Stimulating Conversations

Hey, all. Did you miss me?

(“I don’t know – who the fuck are you,” I hear you say.)

Anyway, I’m back from the Big City. Boy howdy, do they have some tall buildings there – my neck’s still sore from staring up at them! But the people sure were friendly – and the bargains! One feller let me swap ol’ Daisy, my mule, for some magic beans! They weren’t real good though. I smoked them and only got a really faint buzz. I’m sure gonna miss ol’ Daisy.

But enough about my sex life…

I’m repaying the kindness of my Mistress (I mean that in the strictly platonic and business sense. That stuff with the whip was purely coincidental) and posting this as both Girly Parts and Man to Man. The boss, unfortunately, managed to get herself caught up with Hurricane Ike. She’s okay, you’ll be glad to hear, but the power’s out and it may be some time before she’s back online.

So – scouting around for a  topic for today’s post, I thought “What’s topical? What pearls of wisdom can I impart in these troubled times?” The only reasonable answer, I thought to myself, on the cusp of global financial meltdown, is money. “But this is a blog about sex,” I replied. So – money and sex – what better combination could there be? And what better combination of sex and money could there be than that good ol’ time prostitution?

Let me say two things right from the outset: 1) I’m in favor of it; and 2) I’ve never availed myself. So let’s investigate that, shall we? (“No, please – this is sooooooo boring,” I hear you say. “Stiff,” I say.)

Why do I support it? Let me count the ways…

The first reason is probably the most profound: people like to fuck. It’s just the way we’re built. For those of you of a religious persuasion, your god/s made us that way. So I start from the proposition that:

1. The right to fuck is a basic human right.

Now that doesn’t mean that it’s a right without responsibility. Only idiots and some Americans believe that those exist. The right to fuck implies the right to refuse to fuck; one can only exercise that right if the other person willingly and without coercion agrees to fuck, regardless of whether it’s a business transaction or not.

2. Some people have a hard time exercising that right…

…for a number of reasons, including not having a current fuckbuddy; being differently-abled; or just being plain fugly.

3. People have a right to do what they want to with their bodies.

And if what they want to do with them is sell them for sex, no-one has a right to stop them (providing no-one gets hurt – see 4, below). Note the word “want” – it’s another one of those rights/responsibilities things: “want” does not include coercion.

4. People who, for whatever reason, want or need to get fucked for money have a right to do so safely.

Where I live, a prostitute (who happened to be a man) was just put on trial for plying his trade while knowingly infected with HIV and Hepatitis C. He was sentenced to 3 months. I could talk at length about that sentence, but that’s another issue).

The bottom line here is that if you fuck, or are fucked, as part of a business transaction, you have the right to have some confidence that you’re not going to die as a result. Yes, yes – there are no guarantees in life, I know. No-one will guarantee that your new washing machine won’t break down one day after it runs out of warranty, but you do have a right to expect a reasonable assurance that you’ll live through it.

5. Prostitution is a universal reality.

Wherever you go, you can buy sex. Well, I don’t speak from experience – like I said, I’ve never availed myself. But I think that it’s probably true. Even in primitive theocracies where the punishment for such things is severe, like Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and the USA, I have no doubt that you can buy sex.

The problem is that, unless it’s legal, the kinds of protections we all have a right to expect in any ordinary commercial transaction are not available. And the more it’s frowned upon, the more likely it is that the dangers will be multiplied. (Please note – I am not suggesting that legalisation = perfect safety and security. I may be a man, but I’m not a complete fuckwit. I speak from a post-modernist view – everything’s relative.)

So to summarise: my neighbour, Joe, who’s wheelchair-bound and my cousin, Annie, who’s so fucking ugly that even Hank (Daisy’s brother) needed a dose of Viagra, have a fundamental right to engage in the sexual activities of their choice – and there’s only one way that they’re going to do that in the short term: pay for it. And remember my young friends who were having such a hard time getting laid? They have a right to make it with a buff young stud (or studette) as often as their pocket money will allow. And they all deserve to be able to do it with a reasonable degree of safety, without fear of having their limbs or other appendages cut off or of going to prison (prison for fucking – think about that – please!).

Think about those things next time you vote.

Oh, and finally, to close the circle, thanks to politicians who got paid off by the finance sector to ensure that they (the finance sector) were not subject to appropriate prudential regulation, we’re all about to get savagely reamed up the ass. This is another confluence of money and fucking, not related to prostitution. So let me give you that financial advice I promised you in the title: sell whatever shares or assets you may have while they’re still worth something, and lay in as big a supply of barrels of KY Jelly as you can. Not only will it make it easier for you, if there’s any left over you can bet it’ll be one of the few commodities that retains its value. Also, you can live in the empty barrel.

Of course you really need to consider the possibility of Peak Jelly.

Thank you.

WDM