Archive for July, 2008

The Basics of Masturbation

July 29, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , ,

So last week, we talked about asking for what you want from your partner.  That’s an important part of any sexual relationship, and if you are incapable of doing it then you aren’t very likely to find yourself having mindblowingly good sex.  But what if you have another problem?  What if you just don’t know what you want?  Don’t worry, you’re not a total freak or prude and it’s nothing to be embarassed about.

Society as a whole doesn’t entirely understand the female orgasm or female pleasure.  We’ve based sex on reproduction and since the female orgasm isn’t necessary for reproduction it’s been tossed by the wayside.  Adding to this, there’s a social block on healthy images of female orgasms (you can see last week’s posting for more information on that) and a social stigma on girls experimenting sexually.  Once you factor in the location of the clitoris and the labia partially obstructing it, it’s easy to understand why young girls don’t necessarily understand how their bodies receive sexual pleasure (many men have stories about how they first discovered sexual pleasure accidently by having things brush against their penis or having water accidently hit it in the shower).  Many young women report not experiencing their first orgasm until they were in their late teens or 20’s.

So if you’ve gone this long without orgasms, how do you begin to understand them and have them?  Well, the thing is, everyone is different.  I can’t say, “Try this!  It’s AWESOME!” because it may not work for you.  The trick to having a satisfying sex life is to learn your preferences and to embrace them fully.  Some women get off on G-spot and penetration and for some it’s straight clit.  You may work best having a partner perform on you, you might prefer a toy, or you might just prefer good old fashioned manual stimulation.

Personally, I get off best just doing it myself with my hands.  I’m not a big fan of plastic downtown or things being too slick and smooth.  I need a lot of clitoral friction.  The Fetish Faerie is a fan of the G-spot. (Fetish Faerie’s note: I can only orgasm when I’m stroking my clit, though.)

So, if you really want to figure yourself out, you need to make a date with yourself.  Buy yourself a new toy, watch a sexy movie, draw a bath and go to town.

If you’re wanting to try clitoral stimulation, that’s the easiest one to get started with.  This should go without saying, but here’s how to find your clitoris:  insert one fingertip into your labia just outside your vagina.  Drag your finger slowly forward until you feel a bump.  That’s your clitoris.  Congratulations.

Now, if you’re going to use a toy, now’s the time to apply it.  Either apply it directly to your clit and rub it upside down or you can hold it still.  You can also insert it into your vagina for G-spot stimulation.  To find your G-spot, insert a finger into your vagina and curl it forward slightly. You’ll feel something slightly suedey.  That’s your G-spot.  Some people can have incredibly good orgasms simply from G-spot stimulation and some people can’t, so you may want to play around and see what happens.  A fair warning:  During a G-spot orgasm, you will expell a large amount of liquid.  This is not urine.  If you’re not expecting it, though, it’s really unnerving and surprising.

Next week, we’ll look at some ways to experiment and different types of toys.

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The bigwig, J, and too much alcohol

July 27, 2008 · Filed under Cyn's Sins · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

So, as I promised, here is an account of what happened the night of the work party. It’s a lesson folks.

So every once in a while there is a party at work for socializing, fooding and drinking. It’s never really that much fun, but it beats doing nothing. Oh, and it’s always fun to see your coworkers get totally blitzed. So, I brought the Jello shots, because nothing is more fun than brightly colored jiggly alcohol. Now, I admit, I had more than a few before I got there. I was terribly bored that night and I really didn’t feel like being at home. The party wasn’t that exciting, not many people showed up. The 40 year old I had gone out with a few times dropped by to say hi. So after drinking for a while at the office me and few of my other co-workers decided to go downtown. There was this art festival thing, so all the businesses, including mine, were hosting art and providing drinks and food. We ended up at an associate office where I had a couple glasses of wine. One of the guys at this office, let’s call him J used to work at my office. We had always flirted, but nothing more than that.

So me, J, and a few others decide to go to a bar close by. Two other guys, one a co-worker and one was a huge bigwig in the company, one other girl coworker as well. Now I was sufficiently trashed at this point. I’m not a big drinker, so a couple jello shots and two glasses of wine really did me in. I remember flirting with some guys and at some point J kissed me. Did I mention that J and bigwig are both in their late 40’s? After the bar we decided to go to the local “Caberet” aka strip club. I had never been before. I ended up making out with J for quite a while in his car. He was a damn good kisser.

Isn’t it strange how there are some people that just kiss you how you like to be kissed? I’ve kissed a lot of guys and most of them, it just never feels 100% like we’re meshing. Most of the time it’s like a 80% mesh. I’d say J was a 99% mesh.

We stayed at the strip club for a while, it was actually extremely boring. We decided to go back downtown to the bar that everybody always ends up with after they’ve been everywhere else. You know the one. The dive bar. Somewhere along the way we lost male coworker, none of us were really sure what happened to him. So me, J, female coworker and bigwig were still there hanging out. We were all kinda flirting and kissing and talking. J was really coming on strong, wanted me to go back to his place. Wouldn’t stop rubbing on me. But then bigwig started flirting with me and at that point my buzz was wearing off and I really really really did not want to go home with J. J is a little bit psycho and has major anger issues. I just didn’t think any good would come of it. So I started flirting with bigwig just to give J the message. J got really pissed off and stormed out. He called me from the parking lot and tried again to get me to go home with him.

At this point I really just wanted to go home, but wasn’t quite thinking straight. Bigwig asked if I wanted to come hang out at his place for a while and since I didn’t have my car, I said sure. The bar was closing anyway. So we get to his house and he starts just getting weird. Now this is a guy who is married, makes 500k a year and is a pretty intelligent man. He gets naked and wants to lay down with him. We start making out and he starts asking me things like “have you always wanted to be with me” and “do you love me” and saying things like “I’ve always wanted you” and “I can’t believe I have you, I don’t want this to end” and stuff. He just keeps repeating it over and over. He got very clingy. He didn’t want to have sex, he just wanted to “cuddle”. It really was the most bizarre thing, I was afraid he was going to chain me up in his basement and feed me only old stale valentines day candy out of those cardboard heart boxes. At one point he fell asleep and I tried to get out of his kung fu grip. He woke up and screamed “NO! I don’t like it when you do that!” and grabbed me back to the bed. I didn’t know where I was so I couldn’t call a cab to come get me. So I just laid there all night in his kung fu grip not sleeping. Oh, did I mention his dog kept humping my leg?

All in all, not a fun night. The next morning was awkward. He still proceeded with the “I love you, I want you, do you love me” crap. I have been avoiding his calls ever since. I saw him once and he tried to play it all casual. But now, all I can thinking about his clingy crybaby self.

J called me constantly for the next two weeks. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, he was dead set on us hooking up. I stopped taking his calls and when I did pick up out of annoyance he said he was just calling to see if I’d pick up. Very strange. I ran into him once when I was out with another guy and he straight up pretended like he didn’t see me, even though he walked right by me, not two feet from my face. He then texted me 15 minutes later to see what I was doing that night and if I wanted to hang out. Man, I am so glad I didn’t sleep with him. Oh, question for the guys, if a girl is completely trashed and still makes the decision not to sleep with you, why do you think you have a chance when she is sober?

So, what to make of all of this? 2 middle aged men. One married, one single. Both insane in their own rights. I must be insane too. Or maybe it was all just the alcohol. But at least I was able to realize what a bad idea everything was after I sobered up.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, don’t drink with your coworkers.

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Project Phallus – session 02

July 27, 2008 · Filed under Project Phallus · Tagged , , , ,

201 – Sound Bytes

Over the coarse of my various experiences over the years, I have all ways regarded the concept of Phone Sex as sounding rather ridiculous. I have a lot of friends who have had amazing experiences with it, but personally I just never saw the appeal. For me, sex is a very tactile/visual thing, so the ideal of just listening to some one get off on the other end of the line just doesn’t have the same punch as say, watching them masturbate. Even in during my REALLY ridiculously distance relationship, neither of us really gave it enough credit to bother.

So, with that introduction, you can see that I would be a bit thrown back, when the girl I’m chatting with on the phone (for the first time) causally comments how what her pussy is and how much she wants to suck on my throbbing cock.

202 – The Experiment

I feel like I should begin by pointing out the fact that I’d already been masturbating myself. I do this quite a bit actually.. If a hand is free and I have any amount of privacy it is generally on my penis. (there is a nice mental image for anyone who happens to be on the phone or chatting with me) And because I do this a lot in places with not an ideal amount of secrecy; such as on the phone, in classrooms, or in an apartment with three other roommates and no closible doors., I am a fucking orgasm ninja. One end result being that I can be rather silent in getting off out of  necessity. Not really the most stimulating phone conversation.
On that, back to present events:

Immediately, I recognize where this conversation is going and as usual my first instinct is to just roll with it and see what happens. I soon realize though that my mind is absolutely blank. I can just sense her expectation on the other end and all I can say is “uuuum… I pull you down and kiss you….”  And going on from there only mildly more interesting. I mean honestly, how many ways are there to say ‘lick,’ ‘grope,’ ‘penetrate,’ and ‘massive throbbing member’? I like to think I made a valiant effort describing all the things that wish I could actually be doing to her without feeling to repetitive, But I’m afraid the awkward silences were a bit obvious. Too her credit she did an excellent just picking up the slack and I have to say it did get pretty hot. Quickly, I changed tactics, now going for the sexy memories angle, and ask her about highlights of some of her past experiences. I think this worked a BIT better, since by now we had both orgasmed twice (though as I mentioned before, I had a bit of a head start). I must say the girl cums loud. I am definitely not use to screamers. Not that that is bad, but it is something else that catches me off guard in an already odd situation. It’s also an almost funny contrast since I’m having to make a conscious effort to be able to be heard over the phone.

And finally we result to that; load moany sex noises, and I actually cum again. I ‘spose the thing isn’t the write off I thought it was after all.

By the time I hang up I actually make it to number four, which, while not rare for me, is pretty uncommon at least. Mostly I blame it on the fact that after all the moaning we actually start having a normal conversation, (though it soon urns into moaning again). For the life of me I forget what about.  It’s funny what can turn a guy on some times.

All in all, I guess it was a success. This all happened a few weeks back, and since then we have ended up getting off over the phone two or three times since. I can honestly say that I’m getting better at it. As with anything else, the old saying still applies. I still would prefer just fucking her though.

203 Appended

Assuming all goes as planned post move, future sessions will be far less impromptu sounding I promise, likely beginning with session 04 or 05, when I’ll actually have the ability to not only plan things out, but actually run experiments. Please send topic suggestions and  comments. I’d love to hear what everyone think and I could use some ideas of what to try next.

FOR SCIENCE!

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Fetish Friday – My Friend D’s Adventures in Voltage

July 25, 2008 · Filed under Fetish Friday · Tagged , , ,

This week, I’m interviewing my friend D, who lives in Australia (no relation to Wise Dick Man or the future Mister Moxie). He’s got a thing for electro play, which is an offshoot of BDSM. Basically, electro play uses light to moderate electrical shocks to stimulate pain/pleasure.

How did you first get into it?
Strangely enough at a club I was quite fond of … now sadly departed, a couple of friends brought some equipment along to a rather debauched evening (which involved me being caged, and at some point briefly suspended upside down … ah good times).
As you can probably imagine this was a rather extreme fetish night, the equipment was there .. I was in company I trusted and said yes … simple really. Although one later learns there are rules and caveats, obviously most of them are based around safety & boundary issues and most critically, trust.
After the first adventure, I was introduced to another group of people that share the same interests and more fun was had.
It’s important to note that you can just jump into wand work, but it’s not really a solo adventure I would recommend so at a minimum you should be familiar with the nature of sub and dom roles and be comfortable with a partner .. who should have done all this before. As boundary respect should be drummed into people that want to practice any BDSM, this goes double for electric play, you should start slow .. don’t push until ready to do so. Dom’s, watch your partner at all times. (Like you want to miss a second of it anyway)

Does it hurt?
Well yes and yet no, control is always essential; as a sub you need to be constantly aware and in a position to use your safety word or signal at all times, as a dom you should have a good handle on the physical limits of your play thing … with electro play if they look like they might just tap/pass out, then they will … don’t even go there until you KNOW you can handle it. That said there is nothing to fear in safe hands and there are all manner of stimulation toys, some are designed to simply tickle through the use of micro shock which is like a simple static shock to the skin, good for areas of the body one normally considers an erogenous zone.
Others like the classic violet wands that have globe attachments are for the larger areas of the epidermis and this is where electro play gets a little vicious … and we like it that way. Dragging a violet rake across the belly and pubis is just about guaranteed to make anyone convulse, squirm … and beg for more.
Most available toys do NOT pass electricity through the skin … this is another level entirely … do not approach unless in the hands of a pro. (By that I mean someone that can restart your heart … I am not kidding.)
Remember wands are for play, overstimulation can cause real damage so explore and don’t focus on a single area … they can get hot and burns and related scarring are not as fun as you might think.

What kind of equipment is required? You don’t just chop off a lamp cord, strip the ends, plug it in, and go to town, right?
Oh hell no … that would approach the lethal and yes some people have been known to do just that and guess what … they die. As with most esoteric BDSM equipment, electro play has a standard set of tools you will need, let’s talk about the requirements for a typical wand which nominally operate at a standard 115V. If you can supply 115 CLEAN(regulated) to a violet wand from a wall socket, great … I live in Australia and we use that weird Alternating Current stuff that actually works over distance. So the first item you need is a reliable stepping transformer that will SAFELY regulate the power you have around the house to an item you can safely hold in your hand. (Yes the wands are obviously shielded, you wont be holding a live wire) I have a unit that does Input: 240Vac with fuse Output: 115Vac @ 2.17A.

Once you’re set for power for the wand there are all manner of tasty attachments to play with. Most involve different shapes to create unique sensations, globes for large contact areas, likewise rakes (or mini bulbs) finger stingers for delicate work … chain whips which you can drag or snake across a flat surface (like the belly, not the back), conductive pads and cock rings … cock springs which are similar to the ring but are designed to house a fully erect penis, conductive speculums and dildoes abound … as do anal toys but should always ALWAYS be marked as safe for use and fit for purpose … a chrome plated plastic toy is going to melt.
A sanity warning seems appropriate here:
Never run equipment on a circuit without surge arresters or breakers … if you do get a spike the pulse *can* travel all the way into the unit and possibly the globe itself … even treated broken glass is not good (and expensive to replace).
Do not ever buy this equipment if you have not seen it tested in front of you, make sure MAKE SURE that the person you are buying the gear off is both responsible and accountable for the sale. This is so important … make sure that nothing goes wrong by doing your research and understanding the technology … if you don’t get an answer about the reliability of a electric toy then walk the fuck away.

Isn’t it dangerous, or is that half the fun?
Dangerous, it can be .. yes its exciting but lets not kid ourselves here, we are talking about pushing the body, especially the muscles, to the limits of endurance … spasms and cramps are inevitable with rough sex play, making the body twitch and cramp up are the goal. There are some areas of the body that should never EVER be shocked, the kidneys for example are off limits … no matter what your threshold, that will fuck you up. If you need to be pushed to the point where you void your bladder and bowls take your time and build up a safe routine. Push but don’t permanently damage: mark a sub, go to gaol.
Fun, yes … yes it’s fun and the adrenalin rush is unique and addictive, if you know you like little pain it’s a logical step up … but it’s not for the faint of heart … if you have a heart problem then you should probably not engage in electric play. SAFETY + RESPECT / CONTROL = JOY.

I would like to thank D, from the bottom of my heart, for agreeing to be interviewed for this article. You’ve been a goldmine of information!

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To Pop Or Not To Pop? Pimple, Razor Burn, or STI. Part I

July 24, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , ,

Alright, so there I am, Googling for “vaginal zits” because I love y’all just that much (oh the glamorous life of a sex writer!) and I discover a YouTube-type site dedicated exclusively to zit popping videos! Truly, I can’t believe I get to do this stuff in my free time.  Regardless, this week on Blinded by SCIENCE! we’re going to be examining vaginal bumps and how to tell the difference between something you need to have a doctor look at and something you can pop.  Let’s get started, shall we?

Don’t Worry If…

…You have lots of little itchy red bumps over your labia majora and pubic area immediately after shaving your pubic hair off.

You probably just have in-grown hairs.  To remedy this, just make sure you keep the area clean, try not to scratch it TOO hard, and watch for infections.  If any particular bumps become hot to the touch, bigger, redder, or develop a white “head” to them, you may want to consider seeing a doctor.  I’ve been known to open up infections by popping them or stabbing them and then hitting the entire area with an antiseptic cream.  However, I cannot recommend you do this as it’s incredibly stupid.

To avoid this happening again, you have several options.  Option 1:  Don’t shave.  Go natural, wax, or use some other form of hair removal.  Option 2:  When you shave, make sure you do it in the bath or after you shower when the hair is softer, make sure you’ve got the area properly lubricated with a shave gel of some sort, then using a single bladed razor (the more blades, the closer the shave, the more likely the hair is to get ingrown) or an electric razor.  You don’t want to irritate the skin and you want to cut the hair too bluntly or too short so it doesn’t curl back under the skin.  I’ve been told that the more you shave, the less likely you are to get ingrown hairs.  However, I’ve never been able to survive the uncontrollable itching long enough to try that out.

…You have one hard, painful pustule with an obvious head on the lips of your labia minora.

It’s probably a pimple.  Yes, a pimple.  You can pop it.  If it keeps coming back, you might want to see an OB/GYN about it.  In general, though, you’ll probably be okay to pop it.  You can soften it with a warm compress first or do what I do whenever I get them and just squeeze until you feel sticky.  For some of us, that’s just good old wholesome family fun.

Do Some Googling If…

…You have a single painful pustule on the lips of your labia majora.

It could be a zit, it could be an ingrown hair, it could be something else.  Google around and hit WebMD.  It’s probably nothing, but who wants to risk it in that area?  If it’s a zit, you may not want to pop it because the area is so soft and doughy it’s hard to get a good grab on anything.  The important thing is, don’t panic!

See Your Doctor If…

…You have lots of little bumps all over your genital area and haven’t shaved recently.

This is a sign of herpes and you need to get to a doctor and get an STI test.  It could also be an allergic reaction, but regardless you just want to get it checked out for your peace of mind.  It goes without saying, but do not have sex until you’ve seen a doctor because you don’t want to spread it around if it IS herpes.

…You have a cluster of raised bumps.

This could be genital warts, which are often caused by HPV (yes, like from the cervical cancer vaccine commercials).  Again, see a doctor BEFORE you have sex again and make it sooner rather than later.

…You have a cyst near your vaginal opening.

This is probably a Bartholin’s cyst or it could just be a pimple, but you don’t want to let it go either way.  If it’s a Bartholin’s cyst, all that means is your Bartholin’s gland is blocked and your doctor will need to lance it.  I would definitely recommend you don’t attempt to do this yourself as it can cause you to make it worse.  Just go see your doctor.

Naturally, this list doesn’t cover ever single thing that could cause bumps on your vagina, but hopefully it’ll help you with some of the more common issues.  Remember:  When in doubt, see your doctor and not everything is an STI.  Remember to join us next week when we’ll be looking at men’s issues.

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Hump Day – Handjob Heaven: A Love Story

July 23, 2008 · Filed under Hump Day · Tagged ,

I consider myself a sexual altruist. I really don’t mind not having an orgasm, as long as my partner does, because there is NOTHING sexier than the faces my guy makes when he’s in the throes. We’ve been together for a while now, and we are incredibly sexually compatible. He likes to come, and I like to make him come. My favorite thing to do is give him a handjob.

My guy is 7 inches of uncut beauty, and I love to start out by just gently cupping his balls in one hand, and stroking gently up and down his shaft with the other. He gets hard so fast, it’s amazing he doesn’t pass out. I gently slide his foreskin down and bring my mouth down over his purpling glans, and give him a just little taste of what I could do, swirling my tongue around and around, then raise my head to grin mischievously. I’m such a tease, he says. He moans blissfully as I move my hand up and down on his shaft, increasing the pressure as I move further up toward the head, releasing as I move back down. I love that he’s uncircumcised: the foreskin is definitely there for a reason.

I begin to move my hand up and down faster, squeezing a little harder, using two fingers on my other hand to press into the space behind his balls, where I can feel the bottom of the prostate. My guy cries out in pleasure as I wiggle my fingers back and forth, while I keep jerking him. He arches his back and presses his pelvis into my hands, trying to increase and prolong the pleasurable sensations in his nether regions. He pants, “You have NO idea how good this feels, sweetie.” I assure him that I do, because making him hot gets ME hot. My vulva and clit feel all swollen and slippery, and I squirm lasciviously while I continue stroking his cock.

My guy’s breathing comes faster, in short bursts, interspersed with exclamations of “Oh God”, “Yeah”, and “Ohhhhyessss”, and I know he’s very close. His thighs twitch, his back arches, and a primal growl escapes his throat as a jet of thick white semen spurts onto his chest and belly, pooling in his navel. I mop up his leavings with a discarded pair of boxers, then he goes to take a shower as I take care of my own pressing need between my legs. Life is good.

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Man to Man

July 22, 2008 · Filed under Man to man

It’s been a busy day, right? I’ve worked hard, the traffic was a biotch, you know the deal. So I get home, and there’s the little woman woman wearing those jeans that make her butt stick out like…like a butt that really sticks out, you know? Of course you do. So anyway, after a day like that, what’s a guy to do? I whip out the old one-eyed trouser snake, wave it around, say something romantic like “bend over and spread ‘em, because here comes my BULLET,” rip off said jeans and take her right there in the kitchen. From the rear. It’s what anyone would do, isn’t it?

Well, it turns out I did make a couple of small mistakes that, in retrospect, I should probably have considered beforehand.

I should have had a beer first. That’s the first thing. If I’d had a beer first, it’s possible that I would have given myself just a little more time to think before giving in to the irresistable (man – you should see her butt – maybe I’ll get a pic to post when she’s not looking, but that’s another issue) urge. So if I’d had a beer first, I probably would have thought “maybe I’d better wait until the neighbours leave.” I’m not saying definitely, of course, but maybe.

And maybe I’d have waited until the kids were in bed. Not that I think it did them any lasting damage. I mean kids have to learn about these things sooner or later but, as the Little Woman suggested, perhaps learning by watching Mommy and Daddy going at it like ferrets isn’t exactly what the child psychologists might recommend. Not that I’m a child psychologist, mind you – I’m paraphrasing what TLW suggested. (She’s not a child psychologist either. She’s a microbiologist, but I respect her opinions, even when they’re outside her immediate sphere of expertise,)

So as incomprehensible as it may be to me, I have to take her thoughts on board, right? And they were something like this…

Terrie and Sherrie (not their real names) have been a little under the weather recently. Something to do with a combination of teething and mastitis. (The kids don’t have mastitis – TLW does. I think that’s actually a little unfair – what would I know about mastitis? I don’t have boobies!) So apparently this has reduced TLW’s sleep pattern to something like one hour a night. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all the gruesome details – to cut a long story short, she really didn’t feel in the mood for some serious lovin’ at that particular moment. The looks on the faces of the neighbours (the local Vicar and her husband) didn’t help, apparently. (Yeah – beats me too – I would have expected cheers of encouragement – there’s no accounting for taste.)

So what did I learn from this experience?

Most importantly, I learnt to have a beer first. I’m going to make that my motto. “Have a beer first.” The more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

Next, and TLW tells me this is the most important part, I’ve learnt that that any time isn’t necessarily the right time, and any place isn’t necessarily the right place.

“What madness is this?” I hear you say.

Well, it’s what she tells me, and I really have to respect that. (At least I do if I don’t want to sleep in the shed for the rest of the week.)

Those of you who read my first column will feel some resonance here. I think it’s got something to do with the fact that The Fair Sex (Huhuhuhu – I said “sex”) sees things differently.

It think I learned somthing today. Next time I’m overcome with the urge, here’s what I’m going to do: first, I’m going to have a beer. Then, when I’m on my way home from work, I’m going to stop at the florist and pick up a dozen red roses, a nice bottle of wine, and book a table at that Thai place that she really likes. (It’s amazing what you can do at that florist’s – they’ve really got it worked out.)

Then, when I get home from work, I’m going to take the kids to the neighbours (ever since that little “episode” I’ve never had to ask them twice) and, after dinner, I’m going to ask if she feels like it before I whip out the wiley old snorker.

And the other thing I’ve learned? You know that stuff about putting a steak on a black eye? It doesn’t work.

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Getting What You Want When You Want It: A How-To

July 21, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , ,

So I’ve actually been doing this for a long time.  No really!  I’ve always been the one people go to for advice on various subjects about sex and relationships, even though this is the first time I’ve ever actually tried to write about it.  Do you know what the number one thing that women want to know about sex is?  How can I have an orgasm with my partner? Guess what the number one thing men want to know is.  Go on, guess.  Ready?  Men want to know how to give their partner orgasms.  No really!  So it appears that we’ve got a bit of a communication breakdown here.

If women want orgasms and men want to give orgasms, why do so few women have orgasms during sex?  Well, that’s actually a rather complicated question to answer.  There’s a lot of miscommunication in popular culture as to what women want and need to have a satisfying sex life.  How many times have you been watching a movie and the male and female lead are panting and gasping in time with the thrusts and suddenly the female lead tilts her head back and gasps!!!! Or maybe you’re a fan of the literature under your mom’s bed and you’re getting to the good parts where the heroine is so overcome by passion and lust for the hero that they manage to have a simultaneous orgasm?  Well, probably actually you’ve seen those types of scenes a whole lot.  In fact, those scenes were probably among your first exposure to the idea of sex and orgasms.  They make for great fiction, but they’re just exactly that:  great fiction.

In the three dimensional world we inhabit, only 1 in 4 women are able to have an orgasm from intercourse alone.  And even those women need G-spot stimulation in order for that to work.  Even if you’re a g-spot orgasmer, if your partner’s penis doesn’t hit the right spot then you’re not going to have an orgasm just from straight missionary style sex.  Unfortunately, since most men don’t have G-spots or clits, they tend to assume if it feels good for him, it must feel good for his partner.  Well, if that were the case we wouldn’t have had anal sex days last week.  This generally wouldn’t be a problem except that most women are rather shy about expressing their desires to their partners because they don’t want to come across as pushy or worse, like a slut.  Well, unfortunately, that sort of thinking is going to doom them to a lifetime of not enjoying sex.  Have you ever had a partner who was so good he just knew exactly what to do to make you scream?  Did you ever wonder where he got that from?  Well, chances are he either took the initiative to look it up himself and get better or else he had an ex-girlfriend (or even just a female friend) who took the time to explain to him exactly what he was doing wrong.  Good lays aren’t born, they’re made.

Let’s just stop right now and mention that not being good at providing orgasms to your partner crosses all personality and experience barriers.  Just because your guy doesn’t know he needs to go down on you doesn’t mean he’s selfish in bed and just because he DOES know how to go down on you doesn’t mean he’s a good guy.  If he refuses to even attempt to get you off, then we’ll talk about selfish.  But if he tries to make you happy once corrected, that’s not a flaw on his part.  It’s just something he needs to be corrected on.  If you want something, and you don’t happen to be currently sleeping with someone who is psychic, you’re going to have to tell them.  Yeah, it’s never fun to go “Hey you know that thing you do with your thumbs?  It makes me want to gouge my eyes out.” or worse “Sometimes I come dangerously close to falling asleep before you’re done.”  Unfortunately, part of being an adult and being in an adult relationship is being mature enough to communicate your desires in a loving and thoughtful way.  If you can’t bring yourself to utter the words “I’d really like it if you’d go down on me” then grab a book of sex positions or the joy of sex or hell, find a picture on a porno site that tickles your fancy, point to it, and go “Hey, can we try that?”  And about 90% of the time if it doesn’t involve putting his testicles in a vice, he’ll probably go “Hells to the yeah!” and break the sound barrier on his way to the bedroom.

Do you know why?  Because guys LOVE when women make it easier on them.  It’s not just guys, either.  Everybody loves it when somebody else makes things easier for them.  Most people appreciate it especially when things are made easier for them in bed, because it’s such a vulnerable time for everyone.  Nobody wants to suck at pleasing their partner.  Everyone wants to be good in bed.  So talk about it.  Bring it up in conversations.  You think it makes you seem pushy and look like a slut?  Take an informal poll of your male acquaintances.  What you think makes you seem like a bossy whore is probably just about the sexiest thing he can possibly imagine.  To his mind, a woman who talks about sex is a woman who enjoys sex and men love sex and they love women who share their hobbies.  If you need him to tie you up and go at you with a vibrator, let him know!  If you want to strap him to the bed and use him to pleasure yourself, I bet you $1 he’ll buy the restraints.  Or maybe you’d be more ready if he just did the goddamn dishes for once.  Well, if you frame it in the context of, “sweety, I think I’d be more in the mood if I had less work to do around the house” you could probably squeeze a decent amount of housework out of your average guy.

And guys!  For God’s sake, if your partner doesn’t seem to be having as good a time as you in bed, well then ask her what she wants.  Some women really ARE afraid of asking.  Ask her!  Feel around and ask if she likes it.  Encourage her!  Do what she wants!  And if the mother of your children is too tired to put out, then well, do some damn housework.  Take the kids off her hands for the day.  Arrange for a babysitter and take her to a movie.  But don’t expect to get sex every time you take the trash out, or even the first time!  If she needs a break (which she probably does) then give her some support and she’ll start to feel intimate and relaxed and eventually you’ll probably be having more sex.  But we’ll do more on that in another column.

So there you go, the number one tried and true tested remedy for bad sex:  tell your partner what you want instead.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?

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More introduction

July 20, 2008 · Filed under Cyn's Sins · Tagged , , , , , , , ,

I am moving to a new town and was looking for apartments this weekend so I didn’t get to write as good of a column as I would have liked. So I guess you’re just going to half to suffer through some more BS about nothing this week. I think I would like to introduce you to the guys I will be writing about in future columns. More details will come later, but I wanted to give a quick overview.

Latinboy: The first guy I fell for after breaking up with my boyfriend. I met him on an online game that I play. We started chatting and then one night he called me. We ended up talking for 3 hours and just had an amazing connection. He is 2 years younger than me, graduating from college this fall and Mexican. He speaks fluent Spanish which is a total turn on for me. I still believe somewhere that I will marry him someday. He lives in another state and I have never actually met him, but I find that he is the one I usually think about.

Cockyguy: Some guy I work with. He has a girlfriend. The only thing we really have in common is that we are both endorphin whores. We’ve had a few wild nights out. He’s a few years older than me. He shaves what’s left of his balding hair. I love bald heads. He is the cockiest jerk you’ll ever meet, but on some level, we’re a lot alike. He brings out the asshole in me.

Daddyguy: He’s 15 years older than me. We did a deal together a year ago and flirted a bit. I ran into him recently and we went out for drinks. He just finalized his divorce with his ex wife. He has two young boys. He’s pretty well off financially and insists on paying for everything. We’ve gone out a few times and since we’re in the same industry, we have enough to talk about. I think he’s going through something of a midlife crisis and I’m the 20something year old bimbo he’s convinced himself he must have.

Cuteboy: Was only in town for a week doing a job. I met him one night that I was extremely drunk from a work party (oh, that story next week, definitively). He was trying to get people to sign a petition. Our eyes locked and I just had to go up to him. I signed his petitions, I don’t even remember what the issues were, I just was drawn to his strange energy (turns out almost all of his planets are in Scorpio!). he asked for my number and actually called the next day. We had a crazy week together. He was 4 years younger than me, but has been through so much in his life, he seemed much older than most people I know. He was also absolutely gorgeous. Looked very much like Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond (not Titanic when he was all girly!). We hit it off on an emotional level and I think we’ll keep in touch for a long time. The sex was amazing.

Roommate: This guy I’ve kind of known for a long time, we ran in the same online circles, but we just started talking recently. We both broke up with our exes around the same time. We started flirting online, he came up to visit me for a few days. Now we’re going to be roommates! We have a very light, fun, “relationship”, but whatever makes a couple “more” we just don’t have. It’s perfect, and what we both need.

There are a few others, especially more recently as I have joined an online “dating site”. But, these are the ones I will focus primarily on at first. Next week I promise a more exciting column about making out with half of my coworkers.

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Project Phallus – session 01

July 19, 2008 · Filed under Project Phallus · Tagged , , , , , , , ,

101 -  Introduction

Welcome to Project Phallus. Your weekly excursion into the purely scientific realm of “getting off”. All the hows, and whys, and what the fucks pretty much directly as it happens. Because honestly, so much of this column I’m making up as I go along. But really, isn’t it so much more fun that way?

First the basics: I’m a male in my Early20s. I lost my virginity at age 16 and have pretty much been in extended relationships ever since. Surprisingly this involved very little actual sex (for a number of reasons not needing to be brought up here yet). Now for a guy who masturbates 5-8 times a day this has posed something of a conundrum.

102 – The Experiment

Very recently, I’ve found myself not in a relationship for the first time and now I want to know what I’ve been missing. Which is quite a bit if the internet has anything to say about it. And you are all coming along for the ride.
Every week, starting in August, I, with a handful of volunteer lab partners, am going to experiment with all the ways I’ve never had a chance to try getting off before. Here I’ll record my impressions, feelings, and general comments for better or worse or downright silly and awkward, all in the name of SCIENCE!

I’m even up for suggestions, though really there is so much to get t already.
Let’s see how vanilla I actually am.

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