Stimulating Conversations

What does your vulva look like?

No, seriously.  Take a minute and think about this.  What does your vulva look like?  Are your labia long or short?  Fat or thin?  What does your clitoral hood look like?  Is it wrinkly or smooth?  How large and long is your clit?  Is everything symmetrical?

My labia is kind of weird looking to my eye.  They’re not too long, but the look of them when hairless seems comical so no matter what, I always leave pubic hair covering them from the front.  My inner labia are asymmetrical with the right side hanging down past my outer labia with the left side staying snuggly inside.  My clit remains totally covered no matter what and when unaroused the hood hangs loosely on it.  I have a little scar along the edge of my labia minora where my ex accidently got his watch caught on it and it caused an infection which, when popped, left a small dented scar.  On either side of my clit are some puffy places that have been caused by my chronic masturbation.  Asthetically, my vulva leaves a lot to be desired.

If I were to consult a plastic surgeon, he’d probably suggest fat injections to my labia majora, he’d trim the right side of my labia minora to even things up, and maybe even tighten up some of the excess skin of my clitoral hood.  I’d also get the obligatory tightening procedure.  And I’d be a fool for doing it.

Vulvas look different.  There, I said it.  Every vulva is as unique as its owner.  You probably don’t look like your best friend at all facially, you probably have different body types, and it only goes to figure that your lady parts won’t be identical either.  Trying to say that a certain “look” is some how better than any other is about as effective as attempting to herd cats.

The idea of an “attractive” vulva is a result of the mainstreaming of pornography in our culture.  You see a porno, you see a vulva in that porno, you compare your vulva to that one, realize that they don’t match, then decide yours must be defective in some way because that one wouldn’t be on TV if it weren’t attractive.  Now, that happens thousands of times for decades and suddenly you have a market for a plastic surgery fad.

The thing is, vulvas are just…distinct.  Unless you are actually having a physical problem (your labia are so large they’re frequently getting in the way of every day tasks, for example) there’s no compelling reason to change it.  Remember what we talked about last week about how during sex men mostly think “OMG I’M HAVING SEX!!!!!11  THIS IS AWESOME!!!”?  That applies to your vulva as well.  In fact, studies have shown that when looking at naked women, men focus more on their faces than any other body part while women focus more on penii when viewing naked pictures of men.  The theory behind this is that men have a visible physical marker of whether or not they’re aroused (their penis) while women don’t, so men have to look at their faces to determine if there will be sex happening.  So chances are, you care more about how your bits look than your sexual partner does.  Even if his face is in it.  Yes really.

But WAIT!  I hear you say.  What about vaginal rejuvenation surgery?  Well, what about it?  Doesn’t it provide a greater sense of tightness for women post-childbirth thus making sex BETTER?  No, not really.  Huh?

Well, vaginal rejuvenation is very limited it what it can do.  In general, you’re going to get some tightening at the entrance but very little up the shoot.  Also, think about it, when was the last time you had a mindblowing orgasm from having something shoved up your vagina repeatedly?  And be honest here, because I’m thinking it wasn’t recently.  PLUS if you’re not having children one right on top of the other, your vagina is designed to stretch.  It’s what it does.  It’s what it was designed to do.  It will probably come back.  If you’d like things tighter in general, the only for sure method of getting tighter into your vagina rather than just the entrance is to do your Kegels.  You contract your pelvic floor muscles a whole lot and eventually the muscles get stronger and you feel tighter, plus you’ll be able to break the head off a chicken with your bad-ass vagina (not really, please don’t try that ever).

Quite frankly, unless you’re the victim of a rape from a fundamentalist religion where virginity is mandatory and you’ll be an outcast if you don’t have a hymen on your wedding night, there is VERY little reason to let a strange man down there with some sutures because there’s not a whole lot else he can do for your sex life.

Why should you listen to me?  Well, unlike Dr. Beverly Hills, I don’t have a Beemer to make payments on so I have absolutely nothing to gain from lying to you and making you feel bad.