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Floopy Investigates Upgrading on a Budget

October 9, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s that time again, when ol’ faithful has finally given up the ghost, and there is no more joy to be had from the thing before it joins the big vagina in the sky, or wherever sex toys believe they go. It sure as hell isn’t silicone heaven. You reach for your wallet & moths fly out. What to do?

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

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Floopy Investigates a Fistful of Condoms

September 25, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Today I will be road-testing five different packets of condoms from a variety of manufacturers. Please remember that I cannot guarantee the availability of all condom varieties or brands where you are, and that what works for Mr Science and myself may not be suitable for you.

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.

Floopyboo

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The Male Perspective on Sex Shops

September 24, 2008 · Filed under Filler, Hump Day · Tagged , , ,

Good evening, captive audience…eh, with an opening like that, I should have subbed the “Alternate Lifestyle” column, but here goes:

Sex and all its trappings are often likened to eating – some people go to extraordinary lengths for the finest ingredients, the freshest produce, the best utensils…and some of us simply shrug, and head to the Golden Arches. So, let’s have a look about, and see what’s on offer?

Guys are simple – no, seriously, we are. We’re vending machines of sexual response through the pressures of social and biological evolution. (And if you have an issue with “evolution” – why are you reading this electronic filth, you’re putting your immortal soul in deadly peril!) …But the pressures of these are not this week’s topic, so we’ll move right along.

Due to a variety of laws put in place to prevent the corruption of morals, shopping for sexual items isn’t as easy as buying fresh tomatoes, although it helps if you’re shopping next to the farm it’s grown on. As with all things, I’ll be covering, briefly, the Whos, the Whats, the Wheres and the Hows. The Why is up to you, dear reader.

WHO – yourself, your significant other, your friends…We’re adults people, act like it, work out what you’re after and walk in. If you’re uncomfortable with the place, put down whatever’s in your hand and leave – it’s not going to brand a Scarlet letter on you and as with all things in life, if you’re happier about doing something, chances are, you’ll do it better.

WHAT – Sadly, most physical sex shops were established to suit the skin trade, that is flesh mags, videos and toys of various and dubious effectiveness. Only lately has the penny dropped and the proprietors worked out that people might want to spend more money somewhere that’s bright, well lit, clean and stocked with a good assortment of interesting things you can splurge on. Sadly, people still think a sex-shop should have lots of pink, purple or black somewhere, usually in the interior as the paint scheme.

WHEN: Whenever you feel like it – at night and in the middle of the day are usually the less-crowded times, unless you enjoy looking for erotic items in a souk or bazaar? Note: Friday and Saturday nights are not a good time to do quiet shopping – drunk, horny and lonely are not useful in finding that perfect vibe.

WHERE: – Layout is important – a woman-friendly setup will resemble a department store with a wide entrance, shopping trolleys and spacious isles. A guy-centric one will have 2 ways in, the rear entrance closest to the “jerk and go” video booths, high and narrow shelving and a faint smell of cigarettes, disinfectant and disappointment. It’s rare to find adequate parking at any sex shop. If you have an assortment to choose from, do a drive-by first and get the feel of the area. If someone comes up to you wanting to sell you crack, might be time to move along. If someone comes up wanting to buy crack from you, time to update your wardrobe.

How: Ah…with the age of online retail, the possibility of having your purchase shipped to your door is a powerful enticement to whip out the plastic and start browsing like mad. Before hitting that “My Cart” button, think on a few things, like, “hey, maybe I should check out the Manufacturer’s web site first”. Shops, even on-line ones, have overheads that must be paid for by increasing the cost price of units. Nowadays, it’s a rare manufacturer that hasn’t at least got a credit-card payment option somewhere on their site. The usual rules of careful internet purchase apply, make sure that your new purchase can be shipped to you legally and wait 2-6 weeks for the delivery. Movies and images – but who pays for those now – can be bought and downloaded online with a minimum of fuss and usually marked on the payment slip as ” Entertainment”, rather than DVD TITLE “Soaking Wet Shepherds, Vol 2, the Sheepening”.

If in a bricks-and-mortar establishment, simply whip out your payment-method of choice to the bored cashier. (After 2 weeks on the job, they’re jaded)

People shop for anything for their own reasons – sex toys, devices, magazines, inflatable animals, masturbatory aids, condoms, dams and lubricants aside, we’re all adults and should know how to shop responsively. So take a breath, get you shopping cart out and avoid the cleanup in isle 5 when you next venture forward. Excelsior!

By nature, I’m an airy-fairy woolly-headed thinker. By training, I’m logical, analytical and well versed in a variety of disciplines – there’s that alt-life thing again. Just call me “Mr Science” if you must.

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Braving the Bat Cave – A Girly Parts Special

September 22, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , , , , , ,

In previous articles I’ve mentioned sex toys. When I fielded a couple of reader questions, I even suggested a way to get hold of some. As Miss Moxie is being inconvenienced by bureaucracy relating to recent bad weather, I am writing a follow-up to that here in Girly Parts where the ‘how can I’ can be addressed without me worrying about deviating too far from the science & tech aspect of the topic.

Since I have already covered the concept of ordering online in previous articles, I will move on to your other two options.

Most of you have heard of lingerie parties, and most likely have either been to one or know someone who has. And why not, they’re great fun. Sure, the mark-ups are horrendous, but you are paying for the privilege of making a day of it. The same thing can be done with many of your local sex stores. A vibe party is a great way to relax with friends & get acquainted with some fun & interesting buzzies without the pressure of the sex store environment.

If the party plan doesn’t suit you, you are probably nerving yourself up to a visit to a sex store. What you are looking for is something brightly lit & roomy with friendly staff who will hang back until you look a bit lost. Wait around in the car park for a good ten minutes before going in & watch both the front & back entrances, particularly the back entrance. That’s the entrance used by skeevy guys who are there for their weekly porn fix. There will be a couple of these guys on any given visit & that’s fine, but it’s time to hightail it for another store if there are more of them than you would feel comfortable shopping around. If one of them approaches you, go for the pepper spray, aiming at the groinal gap in his sweat-stained anorak.

Once inside, take a look around. Are there clearly defined areas, or are there high-end vibes mixed in with the hens’ party kits? Are there display models? Are the staff willing to take the toy out & show you how it works? Do you feel uncomfortable, threatened or squeamish in the shop? What you are looking for is a shop that makes you feel comfortable & welcome, and staff that know their stuff and are willing & able to help a girl out.

In the end you are shopping for a personal item. You wouldn’t buy lingerie from a poorly-lit, skeevy dive with creepy guys lurking in dark corners, and nor should you buy a sex toy in such an environment. You want to be happy & confident, and to leave with a smile on your face.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Sprunging of Spring

September 18, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Take a whiff. Doesn’t your lover smell better than usual?

It’s spring in the southern hemisphere, and the air is thick with pheromones. Everyone & everything is horny. The birds are bopping & the bees are buzzing. Everywhere in nature organic life is coming into it’s horny own. Even the plants are in on the act with their bright, fragrant displays, and those saucy buggers indulge in bestiality by getting the insects involved in their sex acts. Ever gotten pollen on your clothes? Congratulations, you’ve been covered in plant semen.

There is good evolutionary reason for spring to be the time when life has it’s orgy. Spring is warmer than winter and cooler than summer, making the chances of survival of young greater than at other times of the year. Whether tender shoot or squalling brat, newborn anything is vulnerable and needs all the help it can get if it’s going to survive. By increasing the likelihood of food being available, and providing better environmental conditions for the young, organisms increase the chances of the survival of their species. So basically, sex in spring makes good evolutionary sense.

There’s something about spring that drives us wild. Just remember to grab a condom in your rush.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates Plugs, Surfboards & Plungers

September 11, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Okay, this is me pulling an article out of my arse at the last minute, because the new expansion pack for TS2 is damn distracting & I’m a rabbit on crack. Or something. So instead of something intellectual & stimulating, I’m going to discuss the different styles of menstrual aid. Yes guys, this is your cue to leave.

Ah, menstruation, the joy of blossoming womanhood, right up to the minute you realise this means a gushing red torrent once every 28 or so days, more or less frequently depending on general health, genetics & luck.

First off to bat are tampons. I’ve heard them called mice, plugs & bungs. They are more or less some absorbent spongy matter rolled into a tube & shoved up your not-quite-so-happy-right-now place. With any luck, there are strings attached. In favour of tampons is convenience, because you can go swimming & horse-riding & play beach volleyball in tight white pants while using one – at least until you have a mega-clot slide over it & into your underpants, leaving you full of shock & dismay that you’d somehow picked up a leech at the beach, and it latched on there of all places! Best to back it up if you tend towards clotty or unexpectedly heavy flows.

Tampons carry a risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome if used incorrectly, which is to say if you don’t carry a bottle of hospital-grade antibacterial wash in your handbag and use it immediately before inserting the tampon, you increase the risk of microbial growth on & around the tampon. This risk increases over time so the recommendation is that you use the lowest absorbency tampon possible for your flow, and that you remove & replace it every three to four hours, eight at the outermost. After seeing how quickly microbial life grows in a warm, moist, food-rich, closed environment, I would err on the side of caution & stick to a three hour change-over. What you do, though, is your own damn business.

Now we move on to sanitary napkins, aka pads, surfboards, wedges, rags, wodges. Call them what you like, they are a long, thin bundle of absorbent material covered in a permeable membrane. Women have been using a variant on the concept for anywhere between decades, centuries, or millennia, depending on which historian you believe. There’s a good reason for it. It’s fairly no-nonsense, and something you can cobble together in a hurry to stop the red tide from being immediately visible to the public. At least until it moves, fills up, or ties itself into a knot. But the principle is sound & anyone with even a micrometre of resourcefulness would be able to throw together a makeshift pad in less time than it takes to say ‘oh shit, I wasn’t expecting that today!’.

Interestingly, sanitary napkins as a commercial product came about when some clever boffin realised that wound dressings make a very good menstrual barrier. Go them!

One of the bummer things about pads and, to a lesser extent, tampons, is the gods awful smell of menstrual blood being broken down by bacteria having a bloody good feed, if you’ll excuse the pun. This is one problem not experienced when using the third type of menstrual aid – the cup.

Plungers, cups, call them what you will, they are a vessel inserted into the vaginal entrance that allows blood to collect & be disposed of at a later stage. Because the blood is fresh at the time of disposal, the smell is far less pungent than that given off from a freshly disposed tampon or pad. I would hesitate to say pleasant, but I would definitely say a pleasant change from the “rotten meat” smell I’m used to with pads and tampons. The downside of the cup is that it does need to fit well to work correctly.

For ease of use and availability, sanitary napkins are a clear winner. For practicality and lack of intrusion into your daily life, the menstrual cup is miles ahead. All three types of menstrual aid have issues with application, and all three will leave you with blood on your hands at one stage or another. In the end, it’s all down to personal preference.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates Frustrating Delays

September 4, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just when I was starting to run dry on ideas, which has nothing at all to do with the latest Sims2 expansion pack coming out, a reader wrote in with a couple of nice, handy topics for me to tackle. Best of all, they are topics I am very opinionated about.

“How common is it for men to have a delayed orgasm? My boyfriend, who didn’t know about this problem for a long time since he was a virgin till he was in his mid-20s, said he went to a specialist during his first relationship and was told that it was due to atypical masturbation. Each time we get closer and closer, but it’s kind of frustrating that doing everything he gets genuine pleasure from still hasn’t gotten him to an actual orgasm. Is the process of retraining the mind and body to respond to different sexual stimuli really that difficult? The process is of course fun, but I want to have children with this man eventually, and we’ll need to solve the problem by then!”

It may be that your boyfriend has IMO, or Inhibited Male Orgasm – a disorder often attributed to psychosomatic problems such as performance anxiety or masturbation. I find that this implies that there is something wrong with a male that cannot physically ejeculate from coitus, and would find a similar attitude towards women with the same problem both arrogant & misleading. I would suggest that perhaps an attitude towards sex as a reward unto itself rather than a means to an end (as a fun activity rather than a way to get off) is healthier, happier & more likely result in an orgasm from both of you. If not, he may just be physically incapable of ejeculating from coitus. If he is, then you both need to get over it & move on. Despite all the hooplah, orgasm is not the be-all & end-all of everything.

Delayed orgasms and swift orgasms are actually very common. They have an awful social stigma, and I really wish they didn’t. Guys need to know that women experience the exact same thing, although we tend to have a much healthier response to it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and once you get over the embarassment, you’ll find that it tends to even out a bit more towards what you probably think is normal.

Now, let me address the issue of kids. I assume you’ve spoken to this guy & have his full & willing consent on the kids issue, since you bring it up. This is a discussion you need to have with your partner, around the time when it starts getting serious. If you’re thinking of having his babies, he should at least be party to the decision.

Secondly, there are some pretty nifty advances in technology these days that allow couples who otherwise are unable to have kids to have them. Turkey baster + baby batter is the time-honoured preference of same sex couples. The IVF program has come forward in leaps & bounds since it’s inception in 1973. Then of course there is the very respectable & humanitarian option of fostering or adopting. The boyfriend’s inability to ejeculate during coitus is hardly preventing you from having children, should you both agree to have any.

“My second question: How common is it for intercourse to fail a lot of times before a couple is finally successful? My boyfriend thought that I was impenetrable or that I’d closed up because I was a virgin until my late 20’s and never did anything sexual until I met him (I’m only his second sexual partner).

I thought I had a more serious problem like vaginismus, but I was told by two doctors that I just had a really thick hymen that took a long time to break. I already knew that most first times aren’t what they’re made out to be in the movies and romance novels, but I never expected so many failed attempts before success either. What would your advice be for other couples in this frustrating predicament, besides doing things like outercourse or other forms of sex in the meantime? (Dealing with this situation made me so glad I changed my mind about wanting to be a wedding-night virgin; the wedding night would have been a disaster!)”

Okay, what any randy 15 year old knows but will never, ever admit to is that good sex takes practice. If you had never picked up a paintbrush before, you would hardly expect to be an expert with it, and sex isn’t any different. Like any skill, it takes a lot of practice to get it right.

My recommendation for anyone who is starting to get curious about the world of sex is to google online for suitable sex toys, find an online store that delivers in plain packaging, rent a post office box, and buy something that makes you horny just by looking at it. Chances are that’s the one for you. If you have the werewithal, buy a variety, after all, variety is the spice of life. And don’t forget to pick up some lube while you’re at it.

This is where the practice part comes in. You want something to get rid of that pesky hymen, sure, but you also want to start getting into shape for sex, which is a pretty heavy workout. Sex toys also give you an idea of what your body is capable of & what to expect from your body, so there are less nasty surprises for you when it comes to moving from a solitary activity to a group activity. This goes for both guys and girls, well, besides the hymen bit. Guys, practice your squats & push-ups now, because the one common gripe I hear from guys all the time is that their chests, arms & legs hurt after sex.

Think of masturbating and using sex toys as going to the gym. You’re using them to work out & tone the muscles you would use for sex. With them, you will prepare your body for sex, hopefully long before you get around to the actual deed.

And trust me when I say that the only people who prefer inexperience to experience are creepy & not worth your time.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Orgasm & how to Fake it

August 28, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I most sincerely apologise for my incredibly misleading title, as this article is about how to fake your body into achieving an orgasm without using anything but the orgasm muscles themselves. The alternative title was going to be “Look Ma, No Hands!” but a) It doesn’t really work with “Floopy Investigates” and b) that’s really fucking creepy anyway. At least it is if you have my mother.

Last week I talked about the muscles you use to fuck, so with any luck you’ve had a week to practice isolating individual muscles. That practice is really going to come in handy.

Back in the early 90s, there was much joy & hooplah about how exercising your pelvic floor can do wonders for the tone of your vagina. Well, I was a little bit of a kegel addict, so I found out by accident that if you do enough of them, or do them fast enough, they trigger anything from a mild, pleasant tingle up to a mind-blowing orgasm – without using your hands.

Enough can be somewhere between 50 & 200 clenches, less if you cum at the drop of a hat. Fast enough…. well, once you’re at the stage where more than 50 in a row is a breeze, you will find that you can pick up the pace somewhat.

The problem with kegel exercises is that they can be so poorly described that you may end up isolating the transverse abdominus by mistake. If you do, just remember how you did it, because it’s a good idea to isolate and tone those muscles too. Kegel exercises feel like you’ve taken a vaginal orgasm & slowed it down by about 200%.

To do a kegel exercise, try to make all the walls inside your vagina touch each other. Draw it in nice & tight, and hold that for as long as you can. Now, slowly release the muscles as smoothly as you can. Start by doing five in a row, and then take a break for as long as it took you to do those five, and then do them again. Depending on your level of fitness, it may take you anywhere from a few days to a few months to get up to 20, and the idea is to relax & enjoy yourself. If you feel like you’re going to cum, go with it, that’s the point.

If you are having trouble drawing in & out, put something clean & well-lubed into your vagina. This can be your finger(s), your favourite dildo, or your current bed-partner. Actually, if you swing that way, get the boyfriend, because he will love you for this, and you’ll get some all important feedback. If you are using a prosthesis or your fingers, follow the directions above.

If you are going with the boyfriend option, here’s what you do. First up, get the boy all pointy, wearing of condom & lubed up. Then tell him to lie flat on his back, and tell him he is not allowed to move at all. Now, slide on top of him, and once you are comfortable, draw your vaginal muscles in so they are gripping his penis as firmly as you can, then slowly release the muscles. Ask him to tell you what it feels like. Most likely he will say that it feels like you’re giving him head with your vagina, or that it feels kind of fluttery. That’s fine & it means you’re doing well. Keep practicing until you can stand the madness no longer.

After a few months, you should be at a point where you are physically capable of the level of repetition or speed required to get you off. Go at it. Keep practicing. If it doesn’t get you off, it should at least have taught you some fun new tricks in the bedroom & have increased your stamina.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Muscles That Help You Fuck

August 21, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Your muscles help you fuck, how about that? And it’s a good idea to keep them in peak physical condition for optimum enjoyment of bedroom gymnastics. Body shape is far less important to sex than the health of your muscles, and a curvy person can often have better muscle health than a slender person. It all depends on how you exercise and how you take care of yourself.

Like any exercise, it is a good idea to stretch a little before a marathon sex session. Even a quickie should incorporate warming up your body in some way, particularly in winter. This is part of the reason why it’s a good idea to engage in foreplay. It gets your body warm and ready for some loving. Do some yoga, chase each other around the room with dildos, it doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you get your body warm and ready for sex. It will help prevent the tell-tale “saddle walk” characteristic of the dirty weekend away, and you won’t feel so damn sore afterwards either.

The obvious areas you will want to take care of are hands, feet, thighs and buttocks. They take care of balance, as well as the whole thrusting and grinding business. Less obvious are the core abdominal muscles, which is the layer underneath the stuff you see on the ripped abs you’ve been lusting over. These also take care of balance, but more importantly, they take care of your back, making some of the more advanced tantric positions physically possible.

For a good, healthy, sex-ready body, you need to have strong core abdominal muscles, otherwise known as the transverse abdominus. You can feel these muscles underneath the top layer of fat and muscle if you press down gently in the middle between your navel & your pubic mound. The best way to tell if you’re ripped in the core is to get on all fours and make like you’re a bottom. If you need to pop a few pillows under your belly for support, then you probably need to work on those muscles. Going to a clinical pilates class or a qualified bellydance instructor will help you work on those core muscles in a safe and gentle manner.

Floopyboo

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An Interview with Mistress Bella

August 20, 2008 · Filed under Hump Day · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Today I have the great pleasure of speaking to Mistress Bella, a Lifestyle/pro Domme from Melbourne, Australia.

Bella greets me first, as I reluctantly drag my sorry arse away from the search for even more stuff for my Sims, and hunker down for an in-depth discussion of what it’s like to be Mistress Bella. At this stage, I am still working on writing up questions for the interview, but that doesn’t bother Bella, so our conversation takes a casual tone while I scurry to research the topic as I’m conducting the interview. Ah, the twin joys of multitasking & conducting an interview via IM.

I begin by mentioning the stereotypical question jokingly supplied by Cynigal – “Do you get off on torturing people?” To be honest, I’m not so sure that question wasn’t directed at me, but Bella laughs it off & says that everyone asks that.

“I get off watching others get off – but not a total sexual thing more of a mind thing. (I) can’t describe the look of happiness on their faces as I do this stuff to them. I practice mental bondage as well. So a lot of eye contact during sessions…”

She says that she needs to know where her sub’s headspace is, that she pretty much does what her subs are into in her own style. Sounds a lot like wish fulfillment to me – a leather-clad fairy godmother with a whip instead of a wand, I say, and she puts me straight on that stereotype right away.

“Yeah, (it’s) very stereotyped, as leather and latex are fetishes, not a dress code for Dommes. Dommes wear lingerie – footwear depends if sub has foot fetish. I wear anything from the usual black boots to stilettos.”

Well, that totally squashes any thoughts of latex, rubber & vinyl that I used to couple with BDSM. So that’s who the lingerie section at Sexyland is aimed at. Who knew?! Since I broached the topic so nicely, I ask about the other typical stereotypes she would like to turn on their heads. It turns out that I’ve gotten the two biggies squared away within the first half hour.

Bella is a member of the FemDomme Society, having just graduated from Domme University. She now holds the rank of Madame, and aspires to be Baroness. But Domme University is merely the tip of the iceberg, as Bella believes that a well-trained Domme is a good Domme. In describing the adorably-phrased “Domme University”, Bella walks me through her transition from sub to Domme.

“Well I used to be connected to a club called Hushnow run by a Mistress Tan. She is an amazing womon. I will explain womon: as I woo no man (I) won’t use women, unless official. She ran class from her club. I first went there as a sub with my Master. I had a one on one convo with Mistress Tan and it changed my life and made me realise I was meant to be a Domme to be honest. So I asked for my release, as I was a collared sub, and became a Domme. Well, she asked me how I was enjoying been a sub so I told her I wasn’t. I told her how it felt, and things I wanted to try, etc, so she steered me in the right direction. I then started lessons with her at Hushnow and became the Domme I am today.”

Bella also values the welfare of her subs, so she also keeps her first aid certificates up to date. This seems pretty responsible of her to me, so I ask if this is standard procedure for Dommes.

“Well depends on the Domme. So do, some don’t. (There are) lots of amateurs out there. I try to keep up with what’s going on and I always research before a session. I kept my first aid certificates up after leaving the fire service”

I have this idea in my head that the sub is really the one in control as the boundaries are pretty much set by their needs, wants, or desires, so I ask.

“No. A sub gives up all rights and has no input into sessions unless there is something he wants to try.”

Damn. My rather hasty research at Kinky Dictionary was obviously sub-par. Looks like I need clarification on consent as it applies to BDSM. Thankfully, I have Mistress Bella here to set me straight.

“Ok before session I ask sub if he is there on his own free will and that everything that takes place is 100% consensual. We have session rules. A sub’s consent is basically you can do anything to him he surrenders himself to you completely.”

Oh. That makes sense. Well, I can’t really be faulted for being a noob, so I ask what advice Bella has for the toe-dipping tentative. Her advice should be taken by everyone, not just BDSM noobs.

“Well, to be honest, be careful and only try things you are 100% consensual about. It’s all about trying different things and what works for you.”

Since this is tying in so nicely with the realm of sexuality that I do understand, I ask what it is that makes BDSM different from when I play around with handcuffs in the bedroom with Mr Science.

“Lots of vanillas role play at BDSM. But to them (it’s) more of a game as they really don’t understand the concept of things. For example, what it’s like to totally give yourself to someone else. It’s all about power control and how far a sub is willing to please his Mistress. Most people have kinks and fetishes – it’s up to the person whether they take further and how far. Most just play BDSM scenarios in bedroom and others take to next level and explore further. They are the serious submissives. We also have agreements we enter into with our submissives. BDSM isn’t a game you play when you’re feeling kinky, it’s a lifestyle choice. And these kinks and fetishes come from within and that’s not something that can be taught.”

Well, that’s pretty clear. Playing ‘tie-me-up-honey’ in the bedroom isn’t the same as being a contractually obligated sub. And don’t you forget it!

Mistress Bella is currently seeking a lifestyle slave. If you are interested in contacting her, or would like to find out more about the culture, please take a look at her entry at the FemDommeSociety, or use the BDSM Wiki as a launch pad to enlightenment.

Many thanks to Mistress Bella for agreeing to be interviewed.

Floopyboo

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