Stimulating Conversations

The first man I ever slept with was deeply in love with me. He doted on me and happily followed my stupid whims. He coddled me and made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. I guess it was only natural I fell in love with him and eventually gave my virginity to him.

Our relationship progressed and we were a perfect match in almost every way. We liked the same books, music, and movies. Our sense of humour was the same and we never ran out of things to talk about. He wanted to marry me, which did freak me out because I was only 18, but it is hard not to be deeply touched by that kind of affection. Our only incompatibility was sex. He could not maintain an erection and I wasn’t mature enough to be able to deal with it in a helpful way.

I tried to be understanding as I could. I comforted him. I did my best to hide how hurt my self-esteem was that he couldn’t get it up for me. I nodded reassuringly and said I believed him when he told me nothing was wrong with me and he loved me more than anything in the world. I kissed him and tried to help him get hard again. I told myself it was no big deal. It was “just sex” after all. Only shallow people would have complications because of something as insignificant as SEX, right?

HAH!

I started to hate sex. I felt ugly and disgusting whenever his erection died. By the time it was up again I would be so disinterested I would be out of lube. I would just let him go at it and not tell him how much it hurt while I waited for him to just finish already so I could go to sleep. Eventually I started to avoid it at all costs. It just brought about negative feelings, so why bother? Soon any kissing or hugging and cuddling was phased out of our relationship too, because any time I did any of it I was being a “tease” if it didn’t lead to sex. I felt suffocated because he wouldn’t quit with the sex begging, and he was hurt because I wouldn’t stop rejecting him. One time when we had sex I cried after wards because he didn’t try to kiss me once during it. It wasn’t until a couple years later I thought ,“If it bothered me so much, why didn’t *I* try to kiss *him*? Then it clicked.

Both of us were selfish. During sex I was thinking about how he couldn’t get up for me and how uncomfortable I was and so on. He was concerned with maintaining his erection and getting off. Even after I reached the point where I confessed how much sex hurt, it was like he still needed to prove something by getting off. My ow’s were generally met with “I’ll be quick.” We were both thinking of ourselves when we should have been thinking of each other.

If we had just enjoyed kissing each other and enjoying the others’ attention maybe the situation would have resolved itself. Maybe not. But I think we both would have felt more loved and provided for instead of hurt and resentful. Most good sex requires good communication and understanding. I’m sure that you’ve all heard it before, but it is was so true for me. The lack of communication just ruined us.

You need to let your lover know what you want from them, and be willing to give just as much in return. Most importantly, you cannot just smile and say everything is okay. Yes, you may be sparing there feelings in the moment. In the long run, however, lying to someone you are in a committed relationship will come back and bite you both in the ass.

And “penetration” is not the main show, damnit! Every kiss and touch and look all matters. The attitude that oral or kissing or anything is being done to lead up to the penetration is silly. Enjoy every moment! Forget the term “foreplay” because all of it is necessary! While tearing off your lovers underwear and just going at it is nice sometimes, you should never forget that the act of pleasuring each other and enjoying being pleasured is important too. It offers an emotional connection for many that a wham, bam, thank you mam session just cannot provide.

I’m not sure if I got too off topic, sex subject wise or not, but I really wanted to share this story. Maybe one day someone young and selfish and in trouble like I was then will read this and it will really hit home that they can’t just brush off bad sex like it doesn’t matter. It really, seriously does. If I had known that it mattered so much back then, maybe I would have put more effort into my relationship and not have brushed the horrible sex off as “unimportant” and ignored the problem until it got so bad it was too late. Maybe this article will save another couple from losing out on something beautiful and “forever”ish.

Good luck. <3