Stimulating Conversations

I made the mistake of asking The Esteemed Miss Moxie whether there was anything that she particularly wanted me to write about this week. I should have known better.

“MIcropenis,” she said.

At first I responded, as you do, with the inevitable “WTF?”. But being a responsible journalist I did some research and, the more I read, the more I realised that it’s no WTF matter. And then my esteemed colleague kookiedoh burst onto the scene with her intensely personal account of the importance of sex in relationships, at which point it all clicked and I began to think about micropenis as a condition, and what it might mean to someone with the condition.

According to the respected medical dictionary Wikipedia:

“Micropenis is a medical term that describes an unusually small penis. A common criterion is a dorsal (measured on top) erect penile length of at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean penis size. The condition is usually recognized shortly after birth. The term is most often used medically when the rest of the penis, and perineum is without ambiguity such as hypospadias.”

To those of us without medical training, it means a very small dick. There are pictures on the linked page and a Google search will provide you with all the information you need.

Now after all that we’ve said in these pages, you’d think that, while micropenis might be one of those conditions that could be compensated for. And in many ways I’m sure it could; a person with a micropenis could find many ways to engage in satisfying sex, and his partner could undoubtedly be well satisfied sexually. We know this. We accept it as truth.

But it’s bullshit.

I lay awake thinking about this. Really. I tried to imagine what it would be like. And if my imagination bears even the slightest relationship to reality, I can tell you now that it would be hell.

I imagined the strategies that Mister Micropenis would have to learn from an early age to stop his schoolchums from seeing it in the toilets and the showers. Children (the cruellest of all Nazis) would make life hell for MM from the first glance and, within minutes, the schoolyard would echo to the taunts and jibes. Gods – it would be horrible. I wonder how many childhood suicides, how many psychiatric conditions are the result of an inevitable sideways glance at the urinal. Guys – you all know what I’m talking about.

And I imagined what MM’s first tentative steps in the dating game would be like. At some point, if MM has managed to make it to adolescence both alive and sane, he’s likely to find someone who’s interested enough to be a potential sexual partner. Think about it. If you’re an old fart, like me, try to remember how damn hard it was to take those first steps. If you’re young, get off my lawn. And when you’ve done that, think about how infinitely more difficult it would be to be Mister Micropenis. There you are, testosterone fizzing like a shaken-up bottle of Croke, thinking – hoping – that this might – finally – lead to IT…

When do you mention it?

“Um, just in case we, you know, end up doing it, I thought I should tell you…”

Do you mention it early in the game, being honest and risking possible disqualification simply for mentioning sex before you have any right to assume? Do you wait until s/he’s undressed and in bed (or on the back seat of the car) before mentioning it? Or do you not mention it at all and hope against every god there is that s/he won’t laugh (the worst of all possibilities).

If you have any shred of empathy at all you’ll start to feel some of the brutality that life’s kitchen has dished out to Mister Micropenis.

Read what Netdoctor has to say then read kookiedoh’s violently honest and heart-wrenching tale. Netdoctor is a steaming pile of crap.

How many Mister Micropenises end up in stable and long-term relationships, I wonder. Some, undoubtedly. How many live lives (as Roger Waters so perfectly expressed it) of quiet desperation? How many never make it to the term of their natural life?

Next time you hear someone say “size doesn’t matter”, tell them that they’re full of shit.