Welcome to Hump Day! This will be a regular weekly feature where we do something fun and reader related! This could be contests, trivia, advice, or recommendations for toys, books, movies, or other sites to check out. This week, we’re going to debut Hump Day with answers for a pair of reader questions! To see your question up here, email stimulatingconversation@gmail.com and make your message subject “Hump Day – Advice.”
Happy Humping!
The Headless Housewife
My husband would love for me to swallow. But his semen tastes like cheap dish soap with a side o’ ass and he is not willing to give up meat & beer to make his flavor less strong. Is there anything we can do to make it more tolerable? It hurts his feelings when I gag or throw up. I have tried letting him come more than once in a day, so that the second time is “less potent” in terms of flavor. It didn’t work too well. Short of getting sloppy drunk until my taste buds are numb, what can I do to give my husband a surprise?
Miss Moxie –
I’m of two minds on this. On the one side, I don’t think you should do anything you’re not comfortable with. And his reluctance to change his lifestyle habits to make it more comfortable for you tells me that it’s obviously not that important to him. On the other hand, I can appreciate the desire to do something special for your husband. There are a few things you can try, fortunately. If he’s not willing to give up meat and beer, there’s only so much you can do to make it taste better. Pineapple is the most common suggestion for people looking to sweeten their semen, but mangos, apples, grapes, melons, and cranberries are also excellent. Anything high in natural sugars, basically, will help him. It can also be helpful if he starts drinking more water (this will also help his over-all health as well as his flavors). He can also try a zinc or selenium supplement. This webpage has a nice list of things he can try, which includes what I’ve listed here.
There’s a complicated balance here between what you both want and what may be possible. You may never be able to get past the taste of his semen, but you can continue to experience a normal sex life and work around it. One thing I would recommend is asking him to taste some of it. He may be resistant to the idea, and that’s okay. But if he has an idea of the flavor, it might help him understand your visceral reaction to it. Let’s all face facts here, semen is gross. Really, really gross. The bitter salty taste has a purpose, though. Semen is a basic (in the chemistry sense of the word) solution. It is designed to help the sperm survive in the high acidity of the vagina. Now, some people (like me) prefer the acidic taste of the vagina compared to the bitter taste of semen, but it’s rather like comparing the taste of your floor to your fireplace. You probably don’t particularly want to taste either one and the best you’re going to hope for is something tolerable.
If you try all the suggestions and go as far as he can and you still can’t take the taste and it makes you want to vomit, then you’ll both have to work around that. You didn’t mention what else you’ve tried, but one thing you may want to consider is learning to deep throat (or at least get his penis past most of your tongue) before he cums. It will feel better for him and once you learn to do this and still swallow, you actually don’t taste much of anything. You can’t really breathe while you’re doing this, but chance are the orgasm in question won’t last more than a few seconds. This is my preferred method of swallowing because it keeps it almost completely out of my mouth. You can also try keeping a warm washcloth on hand and having him cum into that instead of your mouth. He probably won’t like it, but until he gets the Marilyn Manson rib removal, there won’t be a whole lot he can do for himself. And maybe you can convince him to try something extra nice for you in exchange if you manage to work past it.
Wise Dick Man –
The average male’s basic assumption is that there’s absolutely nothing that you’ll enjoy better than a mouthful of hot dick juice, particularly if said dick has been vigorously inserted into your anus first. Why do we think that way? Ask him to show you Cum Guzzling Sluts 7.
A fundamental thing you need to realise is that (and here I reveal a Great Male Secret), by and large, we’re totally clueless. Imagine that you’re dealing with a retarded five year old. Try something like “Honey, your cum makes me want to projectile vomit” or, if you wanted to be a little more subtle, “Honey, jerk off into this glass and drink it. Tell me what you think – three week-old milk or rotting calve’s liver – I can’t quite make up my mind.”
Of course that’s a little one-sided. There are few things as sweet as a good BJ, so meet him halfway once you’ve helped him to understand the problem. Miss Moxie (gods she’s hot, isn’t she? Really?) has some excellent advice about how he could move from rotting calve’s liver to freshly-picked petunias. It’d be nice if you’d give him the opportunity to try it out and see what happens. Most of us would do pretty much anything if we could be assured of a good BJ from time to time. Well – almost anything. Becoming a vegetarian is something we’d really have to think hard about. But you could certainly offer some alternatives.
If he won’t do the petunia thing, then maybe you could put up with it once a year as a birthday treat. Just as long as you’re near the bathroom. I mean who wants to mop that stuff off the walls? Alternatively, in return, demand something that you really like but that makes him want to gag – say, dinner at that new vegetarian place downtown followed by a selection from The 50 Greatest Chick Flicks of All Time.
Anyway, the important thing is that unless you tell us about the problem we’ll just assume that Cum Guzzling Sluts 7 is, as it claims to be, a documentary. “Oh yeah, baby! I just love to swallow your feces-flavored cum!”
And always remember – he’s your husband. If he doesn’t get the message, remind him of Lorena Bobbit.
PS – go to the restaurant and the movie first. If you do it the other way around it’ll be something like:
You: “Time to go, honey. Mmm. I can just taste that delicious lettuce, watercress and aubergine tartlette!”
Him: “Oh, man! Cum Guzzling Sluts 8 is on The Discovery Channel in half an hour! Sorry, babe, we’ll have to go to the restaurant and the movie tomorrow.”
G-Force Trauma
So, I have a new boyfriend, and while he’s wonderful in most aspects, the last girl he was with clearly had different needs and tastes than I do (I’m guessing she had a very sensitive G-spot, whereas I’m all about the clitoris). How can I tell him that what he’s doing is actually turning me off without a) hurting him or b) sounding like a porn star, which makes me really uncomfortable?
Miss Moxie -
This may not be what you want to hear, but this is the kind of thing you may have to have a sit down discussion about. I know, I know. It’s awkward and it’s uncomfortable and nobody wants to do it. But it’s a necessary part of a relationship. Since you said he’s a NEW boyfriend, I’ll assume you may not have that repetoir built up yet to where you’re comfortable going, “you’re doing it WRONG!” (that was a joke, please don’t ever say that to a guy except during a dominatrix fantasy or if he’s bathing your baby using a garden hose). However, since you’re comfortable being naked and vulnerable in front of this person, you have to be open to communicating your needs. It sucks. The big point is that obviously somebody at some point told him that he needs to do X to please a girl when you really need him to do Y. Now, first thing first, if you’re in any way encouraging what he’s doing, you need to stop right now. If you’re going, “Ohhhhh baby! That’s so good!” when he’s doing something wrong, it’s not fair to anyone because he’s just going to keep doing it and assume it works. So if you are doing that, stop.
Now, you also might want to consider role playing. Those who know me in real life may know that I’m a fan of role playing for communicating your sexual desires in a safe environment. If he turns down Naughty Nurse Yolanda, it’s not really the same thing as turning down you. I’m going to suggest that to you, actually. The problem is, he’s obviously really committed to what he’s doing so luckily there are plenty of other options. You might want to buy a book of sex positions. Find something that looks like it would get you off, show it to him and go “hey, that looks like fun! Can we try it?” Chances are he’ll have his pants off and be across the room before you finish your sentence. Then afterwards, make sure you go “Wow! That was great!” and you’ll probably find yourself doing it a whole helluva lot. There is nothing guys like more than a girl who knows what she wants and then tells him about it. It tells him you enjoy sex and want to have lots of it with him. If he still doesn’t get the hint, wait until he goes near your clit during sex and go “Oh I love it when you touch me there!” He’ll probably figure out pretty damn quick what you’re talking about. But honestly, the direct approach is usually best. How direct? Wait until there is no sex anywhere in sight and then ask him if there’s anything he’d like to try in bed. Try and act a little flirty and smiley, so he thinks you’re being playful and not so he gets defensive and thinks he’s about to be criticized. He might say yes, in which case hey, cool new stuff to try! Usually, he’ll ask you if there’s anything you want to try. In which case, you go, “Yeah, I think I’d like if we could try more clit stimulation.” Then kiss him and see if you can’t get him to try it really quick. It’s important you don’t do this immediately AFTER sex, because he’ll just take it as a criticism of what he just did. It needs to be at a neutral moment when you won’t mind getting a little busy. The important thing is to phrase it so that he doesn’t feel threatened or like you’re unsatisfied with your sex lives.
Unfortunately, giving a man a hint is a lot like giving a dog an inheritance if you get where I’m going here. If you’re lucky, he’ll realize something is going on but don’t expect him to get a whole lot of use out of it. The fact of the matter is, at some point you are probably going to have to sit him down and go, “Soooo…here’s the deal…” This could be a weird conversation. You need to try and be non-judgemental and use lots of “I” statements (“I’d prefer if we could focus more on my clit because the g-spot doesn’t do a lot for me.”) Fortunately, with the other hints and advice, you can probably put off this conversation until it’s a little more comfortable. But you need to have this conversation eventually. Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, it’s awkward. But it’s like going to the dentist. It’s uncomfortable and not cool, but eventually you have to do it and afterwards you’ll feel better. He’ll probably wish you’d told him earlier, honestly. That’s the great thing about guys, most of them really just want to make you happy.
Wise Dick Man –
See above and remember that you’re basically dealing with a retarded five year old. To help understand that, let me see if I can describe the male sexual experience to you:
ZOMG! VAGINA! BOOBIES! I’M COMING!!!!!”
Seriously – that’s about it. What little wisdom I’ve picked up over some three centuries of life tells me that it’s not quite like that for you – the female sexual response is much more subtle and infinitely more complex than our simple “stimulus/response” model, and it takes two things for us to even begin to realise that: a carrot and a stick. Take the carrot and coat it liberally with KY Jelly, then insert…sorry – I got distracted there for a minute.
We start from the expectation that you’re like us: “ZOMG! COCK! I’M CUMMING!” or, of course, “ZOMG! MONSTER COCK! I’M COMING THIRTY TIMES!” (See below.)
So we need to be taught. And when I say “taught” I mean in the way you’d teach a five year old. Once the sexual urge is upon us, we revert to our inner child. Well, our inner toddler is probably more accurate. Miss Moxie is right – not only do you have to have a conversation, that conversation has to go something like this:
“Honey, while you were busy blowing your load I was thinking about what shade of coral to paint my toenails. That means that your dick is less interesting to me than the difference between Hot Coral and Warm Coral.” You then need to go on to explain what a clitoris is, the meaning of foreplay, and how much fun it might be if he dressed up as Ronald Reagan. You get the idea.
His response to your gentle tutoring will tell you a lot about the potential for the relationship. One thing he’s likely to find is that there are few things as enjoyable for him as helping you to reach a screaming orgasm. Good luck.
Miss Moxie
Fetish Faerie
Wise Dick Man
joethefox
cynigal
floopyboo
kookiedoh