Posts tagged female orgasms

Orgasms ‘n Stuff

August 5, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , , ,

Welcome back, inexperienced masturbaters and dudes who want to surprise their lady-friends!

Okay, this week will be the last in our ongoing series on how to figure out how to pleasure yourself and communicate your sexual desires to a partner.  We’re getting into the nitty-gritty here.  What do you need to do to get off?

Clitoral Orgasms:
First off, the clitoris can have a lot of variation in its size and shape.  On some women, it’s nearly non-existant while on others it seems like a mini-penis.  How can you tell if yours is normal?  If it’s on you and it’s not surgically altered, it’s normal.  Don’t worry.  On most women, the upper left corner is apparently the most sensitive (I read it some place, can’t remember where, and it stood out only because it’s true for me, so your mileage may vary here) but you’ll want to feel around to see where feels best for you.

During arousal, your clitoris will become engorged and swell a little.  Again, this is TOTALLY NORMAL.  The clitoris is analogus to the penis and they come from the same structure on babies before gender fully develops.  Think of it like a penis-analog during masturbation.  You don’t get a guy off by rubbing the head of his penis.  Well, I guess you could but it’d take a REALLY long time.  Regardless, your best method for getting a guy off is stroking the length of his penis.  This means you’ll want to rub the length of your clitoris probably from the sides or the top (on some women, the top may be too sensitive for this kind of treatment so if you’re not the lady in question, the sides may be your best bet).  Using 2 fingers on either side and maybe a third finger on top of the clit, use long, slow strokes.  Some women may like fingertips here, some may enjoy the previously mentioned slow strokes.  If you have a partner, once you’re sufficiently aroused, this may be a good time to attempt cunnilingus.  If you don’t or he has no idea what to do, then you’re fine doing what you’re doing.  This is also when you might be interested in adding a toy to the mix.  Vibrators applied directly to the clit work well and there are several varieties that are designed especially for this use.

A clitoral orgasm has been achieved when well, it feels like it.  Usual symptoms include:  The vaginal muscles contracting rhythmically, heavier breathing reaching a climax, and shakey legs.

Vaginal Orgasms:
Also known as g-spot orgasms, these suckers are hard to get and impossible for some women.  So be warned this could be messy and take a long time and not end with awesomely sweet orgasms.  That said, let’s get started!

Your first trick here is to not use fingers with long nails.  This can lead to bleeding and freaking out at 3 am that you’re going to die.  Just trust me that it’s a bad idea.  You may want to use a toy or at least trim your nails.  Trust me.  Your g-spot can be located by inserting your fingers into your vagina and doing what is usually described as a “come hither” motion.  Curl your fingers foreward and congratulations, that’s your g-spot.  Feeling orgasmic yet?  Yeah, it’s not QUITE what the ladies’ mags usually describe.

Okay, now your most direct method is just to start massaging this area with your fingertips.  You may also have better luck if you elevate your ass end using a pillow or rolled up towels (thinking about it, towels are a VERY good idea here).  You can also get a toy that is specifically designed for g-spot stimulation.  Basically, you just keep doing this until water squirts out or your arms fall off.  I mentioned the squirting, right?  Yeah, a g-spot orgasm comes complete with expelling fluid (which is NOT urine even though a lot of guys and girls tend to think it is) from your Skene’s gland, which is analogus to a man’s prostate.  It sounds a lot easier than it is, but it’s always fun to experiment and it does feel pretty cool.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve only had one of these in my life when I was 13 years old and the ejaculate scared the ever loving shit out of me and kind of ruined the moment.  I came pretty damn close a second time, but had grown longer fingernails by then and became convinced I was going to die and never tried again.  Don’t worry, I plan on giving it another good shot soon.

Now, a word about toys…
You may have noticed that I mentioned using toys a lot this week.  But how do you pick a good toy?  First, all toys should be made of surgical sillicone and at the very least needs to be water resistant.  Dishwasher safe is alsays a plus, as well.  There are lots of toys that include battery packs that are separate from the vibrating unit so you can avoid electrocution during play.  And remember, if nothing else you can always use a partner’s hand.

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Getting What You Want When You Want It: A How-To

July 21, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , ,

So I’ve actually been doing this for a long time.  No really!  I’ve always been the one people go to for advice on various subjects about sex and relationships, even though this is the first time I’ve ever actually tried to write about it.  Do you know what the number one thing that women want to know about sex is?  How can I have an orgasm with my partner? Guess what the number one thing men want to know is.  Go on, guess.  Ready?  Men want to know how to give their partner orgasms.  No really!  So it appears that we’ve got a bit of a communication breakdown here.

If women want orgasms and men want to give orgasms, why do so few women have orgasms during sex?  Well, that’s actually a rather complicated question to answer.  There’s a lot of miscommunication in popular culture as to what women want and need to have a satisfying sex life.  How many times have you been watching a movie and the male and female lead are panting and gasping in time with the thrusts and suddenly the female lead tilts her head back and gasps!!!! Or maybe you’re a fan of the literature under your mom’s bed and you’re getting to the good parts where the heroine is so overcome by passion and lust for the hero that they manage to have a simultaneous orgasm?  Well, probably actually you’ve seen those types of scenes a whole lot.  In fact, those scenes were probably among your first exposure to the idea of sex and orgasms.  They make for great fiction, but they’re just exactly that:  great fiction.

In the three dimensional world we inhabit, only 1 in 4 women are able to have an orgasm from intercourse alone.  And even those women need G-spot stimulation in order for that to work.  Even if you’re a g-spot orgasmer, if your partner’s penis doesn’t hit the right spot then you’re not going to have an orgasm just from straight missionary style sex.  Unfortunately, since most men don’t have G-spots or clits, they tend to assume if it feels good for him, it must feel good for his partner.  Well, if that were the case we wouldn’t have had anal sex days last week.  This generally wouldn’t be a problem except that most women are rather shy about expressing their desires to their partners because they don’t want to come across as pushy or worse, like a slut.  Well, unfortunately, that sort of thinking is going to doom them to a lifetime of not enjoying sex.  Have you ever had a partner who was so good he just knew exactly what to do to make you scream?  Did you ever wonder where he got that from?  Well, chances are he either took the initiative to look it up himself and get better or else he had an ex-girlfriend (or even just a female friend) who took the time to explain to him exactly what he was doing wrong.  Good lays aren’t born, they’re made.

Let’s just stop right now and mention that not being good at providing orgasms to your partner crosses all personality and experience barriers.  Just because your guy doesn’t know he needs to go down on you doesn’t mean he’s selfish in bed and just because he DOES know how to go down on you doesn’t mean he’s a good guy.  If he refuses to even attempt to get you off, then we’ll talk about selfish.  But if he tries to make you happy once corrected, that’s not a flaw on his part.  It’s just something he needs to be corrected on.  If you want something, and you don’t happen to be currently sleeping with someone who is psychic, you’re going to have to tell them.  Yeah, it’s never fun to go “Hey you know that thing you do with your thumbs?  It makes me want to gouge my eyes out.” or worse “Sometimes I come dangerously close to falling asleep before you’re done.”  Unfortunately, part of being an adult and being in an adult relationship is being mature enough to communicate your desires in a loving and thoughtful way.  If you can’t bring yourself to utter the words “I’d really like it if you’d go down on me” then grab a book of sex positions or the joy of sex or hell, find a picture on a porno site that tickles your fancy, point to it, and go “Hey, can we try that?”  And about 90% of the time if it doesn’t involve putting his testicles in a vice, he’ll probably go “Hells to the yeah!” and break the sound barrier on his way to the bedroom.

Do you know why?  Because guys LOVE when women make it easier on them.  It’s not just guys, either.  Everybody loves it when somebody else makes things easier for them.  Most people appreciate it especially when things are made easier for them in bed, because it’s such a vulnerable time for everyone.  Nobody wants to suck at pleasing their partner.  Everyone wants to be good in bed.  So talk about it.  Bring it up in conversations.  You think it makes you seem pushy and look like a slut?  Take an informal poll of your male acquaintances.  What you think makes you seem like a bossy whore is probably just about the sexiest thing he can possibly imagine.  To his mind, a woman who talks about sex is a woman who enjoys sex and men love sex and they love women who share their hobbies.  If you need him to tie you up and go at you with a vibrator, let him know!  If you want to strap him to the bed and use him to pleasure yourself, I bet you $1 he’ll buy the restraints.  Or maybe you’d be more ready if he just did the goddamn dishes for once.  Well, if you frame it in the context of, “sweety, I think I’d be more in the mood if I had less work to do around the house” you could probably squeeze a decent amount of housework out of your average guy.

And guys!  For God’s sake, if your partner doesn’t seem to be having as good a time as you in bed, well then ask her what she wants.  Some women really ARE afraid of asking.  Ask her!  Feel around and ask if she likes it.  Encourage her!  Do what she wants!  And if the mother of your children is too tired to put out, then well, do some damn housework.  Take the kids off her hands for the day.  Arrange for a babysitter and take her to a movie.  But don’t expect to get sex every time you take the trash out, or even the first time!  If she needs a break (which she probably does) then give her some support and she’ll start to feel intimate and relaxed and eventually you’ll probably be having more sex.  But we’ll do more on that in another column.

So there you go, the number one tried and true tested remedy for bad sex:  tell your partner what you want instead.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?

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