Posts tagged how-to

Floopy Investigates Upgrading on a Budget

October 9, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s that time again, when ol’ faithful has finally given up the ghost, and there is no more joy to be had from the thing before it joins the big vagina in the sky, or wherever sex toys believe they go. It sure as hell isn’t silicone heaven. You reach for your wallet & moths fly out. What to do?

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

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Floopy Investigates a Fistful of Condoms

September 25, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Today I will be road-testing five different packets of condoms from a variety of manufacturers. Please remember that I cannot guarantee the availability of all condom varieties or brands where you are, and that what works for Mr Science and myself may not be suitable for you.

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.

Floopyboo

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Braving the Bat Cave – A Girly Parts Special

September 22, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , , , , , ,

In previous articles I’ve mentioned sex toys. When I fielded a couple of reader questions, I even suggested a way to get hold of some. As Miss Moxie is being inconvenienced by bureaucracy relating to recent bad weather, I am writing a follow-up to that here in Girly Parts where the ‘how can I’ can be addressed without me worrying about deviating too far from the science & tech aspect of the topic.

Since I have already covered the concept of ordering online in previous articles, I will move on to your other two options.

Most of you have heard of lingerie parties, and most likely have either been to one or know someone who has. And why not, they’re great fun. Sure, the mark-ups are horrendous, but you are paying for the privilege of making a day of it. The same thing can be done with many of your local sex stores. A vibe party is a great way to relax with friends & get acquainted with some fun & interesting buzzies without the pressure of the sex store environment.

If the party plan doesn’t suit you, you are probably nerving yourself up to a visit to a sex store. What you are looking for is something brightly lit & roomy with friendly staff who will hang back until you look a bit lost. Wait around in the car park for a good ten minutes before going in & watch both the front & back entrances, particularly the back entrance. That’s the entrance used by skeevy guys who are there for their weekly porn fix. There will be a couple of these guys on any given visit & that’s fine, but it’s time to hightail it for another store if there are more of them than you would feel comfortable shopping around. If one of them approaches you, go for the pepper spray, aiming at the groinal gap in his sweat-stained anorak.

Once inside, take a look around. Are there clearly defined areas, or are there high-end vibes mixed in with the hens’ party kits? Are there display models? Are the staff willing to take the toy out & show you how it works? Do you feel uncomfortable, threatened or squeamish in the shop? What you are looking for is a shop that makes you feel comfortable & welcome, and staff that know their stuff and are willing & able to help a girl out.

In the end you are shopping for a personal item. You wouldn’t buy lingerie from a poorly-lit, skeevy dive with creepy guys lurking in dark corners, and nor should you buy a sex toy in such an environment. You want to be happy & confident, and to leave with a smile on your face.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Orgasm & how to Fake it

August 28, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I most sincerely apologise for my incredibly misleading title, as this article is about how to fake your body into achieving an orgasm without using anything but the orgasm muscles themselves. The alternative title was going to be “Look Ma, No Hands!” but a) It doesn’t really work with “Floopy Investigates” and b) that’s really fucking creepy anyway. At least it is if you have my mother.

Last week I talked about the muscles you use to fuck, so with any luck you’ve had a week to practice isolating individual muscles. That practice is really going to come in handy.

Back in the early 90s, there was much joy & hooplah about how exercising your pelvic floor can do wonders for the tone of your vagina. Well, I was a little bit of a kegel addict, so I found out by accident that if you do enough of them, or do them fast enough, they trigger anything from a mild, pleasant tingle up to a mind-blowing orgasm – without using your hands.

Enough can be somewhere between 50 & 200 clenches, less if you cum at the drop of a hat. Fast enough…. well, once you’re at the stage where more than 50 in a row is a breeze, you will find that you can pick up the pace somewhat.

The problem with kegel exercises is that they can be so poorly described that you may end up isolating the transverse abdominus by mistake. If you do, just remember how you did it, because it’s a good idea to isolate and tone those muscles too. Kegel exercises feel like you’ve taken a vaginal orgasm & slowed it down by about 200%.

To do a kegel exercise, try to make all the walls inside your vagina touch each other. Draw it in nice & tight, and hold that for as long as you can. Now, slowly release the muscles as smoothly as you can. Start by doing five in a row, and then take a break for as long as it took you to do those five, and then do them again. Depending on your level of fitness, it may take you anywhere from a few days to a few months to get up to 20, and the idea is to relax & enjoy yourself. If you feel like you’re going to cum, go with it, that’s the point.

If you are having trouble drawing in & out, put something clean & well-lubed into your vagina. This can be your finger(s), your favourite dildo, or your current bed-partner. Actually, if you swing that way, get the boyfriend, because he will love you for this, and you’ll get some all important feedback. If you are using a prosthesis or your fingers, follow the directions above.

If you are going with the boyfriend option, here’s what you do. First up, get the boy all pointy, wearing of condom & lubed up. Then tell him to lie flat on his back, and tell him he is not allowed to move at all. Now, slide on top of him, and once you are comfortable, draw your vaginal muscles in so they are gripping his penis as firmly as you can, then slowly release the muscles. Ask him to tell you what it feels like. Most likely he will say that it feels like you’re giving him head with your vagina, or that it feels kind of fluttery. That’s fine & it means you’re doing well. Keep practicing until you can stand the madness no longer.

After a few months, you should be at a point where you are physically capable of the level of repetition or speed required to get you off. Go at it. Keep practicing. If it doesn’t get you off, it should at least have taught you some fun new tricks in the bedroom & have increased your stamina.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Muscles That Help You Fuck

August 21, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Your muscles help you fuck, how about that? And it’s a good idea to keep them in peak physical condition for optimum enjoyment of bedroom gymnastics. Body shape is far less important to sex than the health of your muscles, and a curvy person can often have better muscle health than a slender person. It all depends on how you exercise and how you take care of yourself.

Like any exercise, it is a good idea to stretch a little before a marathon sex session. Even a quickie should incorporate warming up your body in some way, particularly in winter. This is part of the reason why it’s a good idea to engage in foreplay. It gets your body warm and ready for some loving. Do some yoga, chase each other around the room with dildos, it doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you get your body warm and ready for sex. It will help prevent the tell-tale “saddle walk” characteristic of the dirty weekend away, and you won’t feel so damn sore afterwards either.

The obvious areas you will want to take care of are hands, feet, thighs and buttocks. They take care of balance, as well as the whole thrusting and grinding business. Less obvious are the core abdominal muscles, which is the layer underneath the stuff you see on the ripped abs you’ve been lusting over. These also take care of balance, but more importantly, they take care of your back, making some of the more advanced tantric positions physically possible.

For a good, healthy, sex-ready body, you need to have strong core abdominal muscles, otherwise known as the transverse abdominus. You can feel these muscles underneath the top layer of fat and muscle if you press down gently in the middle between your navel & your pubic mound. The best way to tell if you’re ripped in the core is to get on all fours and make like you’re a bottom. If you need to pop a few pillows under your belly for support, then you probably need to work on those muscles. Going to a clinical pilates class or a qualified bellydance instructor will help you work on those core muscles in a safe and gentle manner.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Joy of Silicone Toys

August 14, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Let me say that I am a big fan of sex toys. And this is important, because I think it makes me something of an authority on them. You must too, or you wouldn’t be here reading this stuff. Either that or you’re here looking for new fap material. Well, read on, there’s plenty of both ahead.

Surgical grade silicone is probably the most marvellous material ever that sex toys could possibly be made out of. It’s durable, pleasant to the touch, smells neutral, and it cleans up a treat.

You have no idea how great it is to know that if Mr Buzzy has been lurking on the carpet for so long he’s covered in dust bunnies & has to be pried off with a crow-bar, that you can just pop him in the dishwasher or into a pot of boiling water, and hey presto, you have a nice, clean vibe. It’s like autoclaving for the DIY lover.

Let me tell you the tale of my first silicone vibe. Actually, it was a matching pair of vibes that I bought on sale – two for the price of one – because the dank Canberra sex shop couldn’t move the stock. I was instantly in love. Those two vibes took all kinds of abuse. Hours of daily use, the aforementioned experiments in carpet-welding (a girl has to bleed sometime!), knocks, bumps, exposure to all kinds of weird chemicals that would normally break a vibe. Last year, some six years after I bought them, they died. Their motors finally crapped out. The silicone is still going strong after six years, so they have merely been delegated to dildo duty. Normally, I expect a vibe to have a bed-life of between three and six months. Not bad for $50 worth of vibes, eh?

All I can say is that even if you aren’t interested in the health aspect of surgical-grade silicone, then the pure economics of the material should steer you right towards it. You can pay up to two and a half times the cost of your average vibe for a silicone vibe that will last longer than the motor in it. You’ll have this baby for at least half a decade if you are hard on it. The average silicone vibe will have paid for itself within two years, and by the time you are on your third glorious year with Ol’ Faithful, you will have saved yourself the cost of at least one more vibe. And you still have that long again to look forward to in the life of your vibe, and that only if you plan on retiring it once the motor has worn out. In the long run you are hurting your wallet not to buy lovely, durable silicone.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates What Lurks Beneath the Lab Coat

August 7, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Lab coats make me hot, so it’s probably a good thing that I’m married to a Food Scientist who Understands. Dammit, now my brain has gone to mush. Time to get Mr Science to put on his lab coat & boots & ‘inspire me’.

Well, that was quicker than expected.

Back to the science thing. There is a theory that the science fetish is related to the medical fetish, but personally, medical stuff does nothing for me. It’s kind of meh really. I’ve played doctors & nurses, and I’ve dated both, and the whole medical thing just leaves me feeling kinda blah. But get me in a laboratory & I’m wet to the knees. Maybe I watched too many movies about Frankenstein’s monster as a kid, or perhaps it has more than a little to do with my early exposure to Tim Curry’s Franknfurter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but something inside my loins fires off every time I see a starched white coat. It’s worse if there are gloves involved.

This is the part of the article where I google with safe search off for images to indulge my fetish…. er…. I mean facty-type stuff to write about. But aside from Dexter’s Lab porn and a billion amateur RHPS cast photos, I’m coming up blank. I can’t believe it’s such a rarity to want some mad scientist to experiment on you in the bedroom. The things I do in the name of science! Obviously more research is required.

Hmmm, I should save those cast photos for later.

Well, the internet is turning up nothing. Even Mr Science, he whose googlefu in the realm of porn is legendary, was unable to turn up anything more erotic than an admittedly hot chick in a lab coat eating a tub of yoghurt.

Must save that pic for later too.

The best thing about science is that the search for truth, or a reasonable facsimile of it, is never finished. Go science!

Floopyboo

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Sex Positions On Hump Day

July 17, 2008 · Filed under Hump Day · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Puppy Lovin’

My partner and I have a hard time with a certain sex position. We’ve been trying to figure out how to do it, but it’s just not working. We both really want to be able to do it “doggie style.” The problem? He’s freaking tall! Well, he’s actually not that tall, but compared to me, he’s up there. So, we never seem to find a comfortable way for me and him. Also, he’s, well… endowed. When we actually manage to do it, my cervix gets whacked like you wouldn’t believe. It hurts even if he goes very slow. Is there a way to keep him from knocking my cervix? Are we doomed to never have sex of the doggie variety? Help!

Miss Moxie:

Oh I feel you on this one.  I have a tipped uterus (actually, there’s a big fancy name for it I can’t remember, but basically instead of standing straight up my uterus leans backwards).  This doesn’t really affect me at all, except that if I’m having sex with someone who has a penis much longer than about 6 inches, any deep positions are rather uncomfortable and being on top is so painful that I still have trouble doing it even when my partner doesn’t stab me because my natural reaction is to flinch.  Unfortunately, I don’t know that there’s much you can do to fix the cervix battery.  Fortunately, there are plenty of acoutremonts to get you at the right level to attempt it.  The first thing to come to mind is a sex swing, but if you’re less kinky than me and unwilling to undertake any massive construction in the budoir, there are a number of pillows that can be purchased which are specially designed to get you into a prime position for rear entry (please note, Miss Moxie is rather tall for a lady and as a result, has not had the necessity of purchasing sex furniture.  A quick Google for “sex furniture” or “sex pillows” should get you some pieces to start with, but as no one has offered her endorsement deals Miss Moxie cannot make any personal suggestions here).  If you’re not willing to cough up that kind of cash, regular old sofa cushions can be stacked on the bed.  You just need something firm and flat that you can stack to the correct height.

Cyn:

Well, without seeing you two, it’s hard for me to solve your problem, but I would say find some way to elevate yourself so that you’re at his height. Can you have him stand and you get on a table or counter or whatever is his height?  If you have to do it with him kneeling, stack some books under your knees and hands!   As for it hurting you, be vocal about it, don’t be afraid to tell him when it hurts.  Have him stay still while you do the thrusting and show him how deep you can stand it. That should give him an idea of how deep to go in. You could also place a barrier that doesn’t allow him to enter you all the way if he tends to get thrust happy.  Pillows or maybe one of those donuts they use for people with hemmoroids.

joethefox:

Aww, I envy smaller guys for that same reason. Really the only way for it to work is for the guy to buy cautious about it. And figure out exactly how far he can go with out damaging your sensitive bits. Pounding may not be the best plan because when a guy is trying not to put it all in he is more apt to over compensate and end up slipping out which generally ends unpleasantly. If he just can’t control his depth, maybe try a cockring (or anything really, a piece of yarn, tape) midway along his shaft to keep him aware of how deep he can go. None of these solutions lend themselves to really wild sex unfortunately, but the more you do it, and the more he can practice measuring how deep he can go, the more instinctual it will be come letting you two really cut loose.

The One I Won’t Give Him

Taking it in the ass.  In short, I hate it.  With a passion.  My husband loves it.  I feel like we’ve tried everything to make it more enjoyable for me – with a condom, without, lots and lots of lube… I just HATE it.  But my husband loves it.  He knows I dislike it and tries not to ask for it anymore, but I know he watches porn about it, and really, really wants it.  Occasionally he asks anyway, and I hate to turn him down.  But I do.  Every time.  I hate it so much that I won’t even do it on his birthday.  We can’t even talk about it (and we can talk about everything else.).

Are we doomed to being miserable – me because I can’t like it, and can’t suck it up enough to endure it once or twice a year and him because I can’t give him what he wants?  I’m open to almost everything else (short of involving other people, anyway), but it’s like he’s fixated on this, the forbidden pleasure.

Help?

Miss Moxie

Blame it on porn.  Dudes dig anal.  The reason for this is primarily because the hole is so tight and it feels good.  The downside to this is that the hole is so tight that it hurts the person on the receiving end without A LOT of prep work.  You two have tried everything to make it more comfortable and it’s still not.  I know that you’d love to get your guy everything he wants, but if it’s hurting you then it needs to be on a back burner right now.  I’m kind of worried from your letter that this has become something monstrous for you to overcome in your sex life.

Here’s the deal:
NOTHING is so important that it’s worth ruining an otherwise healthy sex life for.  I think you two may need to have a nice talk (yeah I know, I’m going to mention the communication word again but it’s probably the #1 most important thing for a satisfying sex life).  I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be really hard.  But the thing is, it’s become the big white elephant in the room that everyone is tiptoeing around and nobody wants to admit to.  If you don’t clear the air about it, he’s going to get bitter about getting shot down and you’re going to get bitter about him asking for it when you can’t do it.  For right now, I think you two need to take anal off the table completely.  That doesn’t mean it’s going to be off the table permanently.  Quite the contrary.  I think you two need to have a clearly set boundary that you’re not going to do it for right now because if it’s something you both want to do, you need the freedom to work on it safely.

Anal isn’t like any other kind of sex.  If you’re going to do it (and do it right) you need to work up to it.  You can’t just jump in with a lot of lube and go to town.  Start small.  A thumb inserted during vaginal sex, a toy (with a wide base plz, you don’t want to be “that couple” at the ER) as part of foreplay.  Butt plugs and small dildos are a great place to start.  And for God’s sake, start small!  You can work your way up to a penis, but it will be a minimum of 9 months before you’d be ready for that.  You’re risking permanent damage by just diving on in.  Once you think you’re ready, then by all means give it a shot.  You may want to do it with a dildo or vibrator that’s a similar size to him at first, just so it’s not a total blow if you do have to stop it.  Practice moving it (SLOWLY) in and out.  Remember:  It’s designed as a 1 way mechanism and even things going that one way go slowly.  It IS possible to like it, but if even the smallest things you can get up there hurt, then you may have a physiological issue that prevents it from feeling good.

And remember, just because he watches it in a porn doesn’t mean he’s attempting to replace you in any way.  I know I should have my feminist card revoked, but some guys just watch porn.  It doesn’t mean he likes you less or thinks less of you, it’s just a part of his sexual experience and not one you necessarily have to be a part of.  If it bothers you, then don’t participate.

Fetish Faerie:

If you’ve NEVER tried the buttsex before [Ed. note:  or even if you're a beginner], you’ve got to work your way up slowly.  Start out with a really small, narrow toy, or graduated-size beads.  The object here is to train your butthole muscles to stretch out a little and open up, because they’re technically one-way valves, and forcing them open can be uncomfortable at best, excruciatingly painful at worst.

Cyn:

Well, my first instinct is to buy a strap on and let your husband take it up the ass for once.  But that’d be petty, especially considring he’s not forcing anal sex up on you.  You say you have tried everything and you just can’t stand it. Is it something you can live with every once in a while so he can enjoy himself, or is it physically painful?  While he may be disappointed, love is about more than analsex, so I don’t think you are doomed to being miserable.  Why not try finding something you both enjoy equally that is different and new.  Also, what does he like about anal?

Is it cause it’s tight? Is it the view? Is it the naughty? Try to take what he likes about anal and replicating it in other situations.

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