Posts tagged lube

Floopy Investigates Frustrating Delays

September 4, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just when I was starting to run dry on ideas, which has nothing at all to do with the latest Sims2 expansion pack coming out, a reader wrote in with a couple of nice, handy topics for me to tackle. Best of all, they are topics I am very opinionated about.

“How common is it for men to have a delayed orgasm? My boyfriend, who didn’t know about this problem for a long time since he was a virgin till he was in his mid-20s, said he went to a specialist during his first relationship and was told that it was due to atypical masturbation. Each time we get closer and closer, but it’s kind of frustrating that doing everything he gets genuine pleasure from still hasn’t gotten him to an actual orgasm. Is the process of retraining the mind and body to respond to different sexual stimuli really that difficult? The process is of course fun, but I want to have children with this man eventually, and we’ll need to solve the problem by then!”

It may be that your boyfriend has IMO, or Inhibited Male Orgasm – a disorder often attributed to psychosomatic problems such as performance anxiety or masturbation. I find that this implies that there is something wrong with a male that cannot physically ejeculate from coitus, and would find a similar attitude towards women with the same problem both arrogant & misleading. I would suggest that perhaps an attitude towards sex as a reward unto itself rather than a means to an end (as a fun activity rather than a way to get off) is healthier, happier & more likely result in an orgasm from both of you. If not, he may just be physically incapable of ejeculating from coitus. If he is, then you both need to get over it & move on. Despite all the hooplah, orgasm is not the be-all & end-all of everything.

Delayed orgasms and swift orgasms are actually very common. They have an awful social stigma, and I really wish they didn’t. Guys need to know that women experience the exact same thing, although we tend to have a much healthier response to it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and once you get over the embarassment, you’ll find that it tends to even out a bit more towards what you probably think is normal.

Now, let me address the issue of kids. I assume you’ve spoken to this guy & have his full & willing consent on the kids issue, since you bring it up. This is a discussion you need to have with your partner, around the time when it starts getting serious. If you’re thinking of having his babies, he should at least be party to the decision.

Secondly, there are some pretty nifty advances in technology these days that allow couples who otherwise are unable to have kids to have them. Turkey baster + baby batter is the time-honoured preference of same sex couples. The IVF program has come forward in leaps & bounds since it’s inception in 1973. Then of course there is the very respectable & humanitarian option of fostering or adopting. The boyfriend’s inability to ejeculate during coitus is hardly preventing you from having children, should you both agree to have any.

“My second question: How common is it for intercourse to fail a lot of times before a couple is finally successful? My boyfriend thought that I was impenetrable or that I’d closed up because I was a virgin until my late 20’s and never did anything sexual until I met him (I’m only his second sexual partner).

I thought I had a more serious problem like vaginismus, but I was told by two doctors that I just had a really thick hymen that took a long time to break. I already knew that most first times aren’t what they’re made out to be in the movies and romance novels, but I never expected so many failed attempts before success either. What would your advice be for other couples in this frustrating predicament, besides doing things like outercourse or other forms of sex in the meantime? (Dealing with this situation made me so glad I changed my mind about wanting to be a wedding-night virgin; the wedding night would have been a disaster!)”

Okay, what any randy 15 year old knows but will never, ever admit to is that good sex takes practice. If you had never picked up a paintbrush before, you would hardly expect to be an expert with it, and sex isn’t any different. Like any skill, it takes a lot of practice to get it right.

My recommendation for anyone who is starting to get curious about the world of sex is to google online for suitable sex toys, find an online store that delivers in plain packaging, rent a post office box, and buy something that makes you horny just by looking at it. Chances are that’s the one for you. If you have the werewithal, buy a variety, after all, variety is the spice of life. And don’t forget to pick up some lube while you’re at it.

This is where the practice part comes in. You want something to get rid of that pesky hymen, sure, but you also want to start getting into shape for sex, which is a pretty heavy workout. Sex toys also give you an idea of what your body is capable of & what to expect from your body, so there are less nasty surprises for you when it comes to moving from a solitary activity to a group activity. This goes for both guys and girls, well, besides the hymen bit. Guys, practice your squats & push-ups now, because the one common gripe I hear from guys all the time is that their chests, arms & legs hurt after sex.

Think of masturbating and using sex toys as going to the gym. You’re using them to work out & tone the muscles you would use for sex. With them, you will prepare your body for sex, hopefully long before you get around to the actual deed.

And trust me when I say that the only people who prefer inexperience to experience are creepy & not worth your time.

Floopyboo

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Man to Man

August 13, 2008 · Filed under Man to man · Tagged , ,

it’s been a while. I’d rather not go into details. Just suffice it to say that raw meat can carry bacteria that are relatively easily absorbed into the human body if applied to facial contusions around the eye area. From now on my use of steak will be limited to absorbtion through the alimentary tract.

Anyway – on to this week’s episode which, in a roundabout way, related to fetishes. It all started when a friend pointed me to this site. For those of you without web browsers or an Internet connection, it’s an advertisement for a product called “Man-T-Hose” – essentially a pair of panty hose for men. But the words of the ad do it far greater justice than I ever could:

Now there is a pair of nylons made for MEN! Man-T-Hose is a pair of nylons specially cut just for men. Man-T-Hose even has a pouch for him to put his ‘manhood’ in. Great at parties or as a novelty gift. Ladies – Make him dress up for you for a change. This is as masculine as nylons will ever get, so don’t let this opportunity pass by.

Let’s deconstruct that for a minute, shall we? OK – so it’s panty hose for men, with ample room for the wedding tackle, at the low price of $5.95. “So what’s the problem with that?” I hear you say. Nothing. Not a thing. I know that wearing women’s clothing is a turn-on for a significant number of us, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. But let’s consider the context. This is an ad on a site called “Stoner’s Funstores” (motto: “selling funny, goofy stuff since 1949 !”), an online store dedicated to an eclectic range of costumery, novelties, jokes and the like. The sort of stuff you’d wear to a Halloween party, or to go trick-or-treating in. All good fun.

But there’s something out of place about Man-T-Hose among the scary (Batgirl – eeeeeekkkk!) costumes and hilariously clever T shirts (“I’m 30 – that’s dead in dog years!” – gods – I can’t stop laughing about that one). Nothing else on the site – that I can see, anyway – is so obviously fetish gear. No bunny-tail butt plugs; no anal beads; no truffle-flavored lube – none of the equipment that’s stock-in-trade for Mom and Pop’s Corner Sex Emporium and Fetish Barn .

So my question, dear reader, is this: what they fuck was The Stoner thinking? Was s/he imagining that, among the happy trick-or-treaters, some overweight 40 year old would rock up wearing nothing but a pair of Man-T-Hose?

“Oh honey – look at that one – isn’t he adorable? Give him extra candy!”

“Hey, those look really comfortable. Plenty of room for the bedroom flute! Where did you get those, little guy?”

Or was Stoner simply so stoned when he bought the containerload of Man-T-Hose that it was something like:

“Hey man – check this out! Pantyhose for meeeeeeeeeen. See? My dick fits right in here!”

(Suuuuuck) “Cool. You should order some of those, man.”

The best explanation wins guaranteed immortality. Remember – nothing ever disappears from the Web! And if, like me, you simply can’t imagine, just tell us about your favourite fetish.

I’ve gotta go. It’s time for my antibiotic.

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Lowering Your Expectations, A Very Special Girly Parts

July 14, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , , , ,

Hello and welcome to the inaugural edition of Girly Parts.  Today we will tackle a subject that many of you will giggle knowingly at and many others will squirm uncomfortably.

Yes, that’s right, today we’re going to discuss losing your virginity.  I know, I know.  Ask a group of women what you should know about losing your virginity and you’re going to get a round of “lower your expectations!”  However, that’s usually not what you want to hear.

Anyway, a (male) friend of mine recently asked for anything he could pass on to a female friend who was considering taking the plunge and “taking things to the next level” for the first time.  She was nervous about the pain.  Since I am nothing if not helpful, I figured I’d take a shot at answering this most basic of questions.

Everyone has a story about her first time.  Usually, they’re not the most complementary towards the men who we lost them to.  The entire process is kind of uncomfortable, a little squicky, and depending on how experienced your partner is, may not even last more than a minute or 2.  My first time was one of the most uncomfortable 45 seconds of my teenage life.  It actually went so fast, the virgin I lost my virginity to lied and said he lost his erection rather than admit how fast the whole thing really went.  Basically, it’s not a magical wonderful experience unless you’re lucky.

There are things you can do to make it slightly better or worse depending on your unique situation.

First, is your lucky guy also a virgin or does he have some experience?  A more experienced guy will last longer than a virgin (which may or may not be beneficial as we’ll see later) and will (theoretically) know more about foreplay.

Second, you need to decide whether or not you’ll be able to break your own hymen.  The hymen actually breaking is the most painful part of the entire process.  Will you be able to actually be the one to break it or will you need someone else to do it?  If you think you can do it, you can actually break it yourself using a dildo or vibrator (please by a normal sized one as there is no way you need a gigantic meat staff for this process and smaller would be better at this point).  Or you can be on top during sex and lower yourself down slowly to control how much it hurts.  Then there are people like me, there’s absolutely no way I could have been on top my first time.  I’d have honestly never done anything.  I flat out told the guy up front to just make it quick and not worry about it hurting, because it probably would and I just wanted it over with.  Now, it turns out my hymen had already been ruptured accidently by a marathon masturbation session a few years beforehand, so while it only lasted about 45 seconds, it really wasn’t painful.  But the reason I remember the marathon masturbation session is because afterwards I was walking funny because of how sore I still was.  So yeah, if your hymen is still in tact, it’s going to hurt a lot.  It’s hard to explain the pain, but I promise it doesn’t hurt so bad as to be insurmountable.

Now, the most important thing is to remember to put on a condom!  We have information on that, so I’ll skip the details.  Just remember to wear them!  You really can get pregnant your first time and if he’s not a virgin or is an intravenous drug user, you can get an STD.  Just wear one.  Every time!  All the time!

After condoms, the second most important thing is lube.  Lots of lube.  This can be natural or store-bought.  For natural lube, you’re going to need foreplay!  This is suggested regardless of the lube situation, but oral sex, manual stimulation, and porn can all be used to fill this need.  Anything to get you wet will work.  Foreplay will be another article, don’t worry.

For store bought lubes, you’re going to want to get something waterbased, latex safe, and not sugary (no probably nothing flavored).  KY, Astroglide, and almost anything that can be bought at the supermarket in the “family planning” department usually work, but they should definitely say either “water based” or “latex safe” on the bottle just to be safe.

And finally, as in all areas of sexuality, communication is key.  If you can’t discuss with your partner what you need then you should not be having sex with them (definitely not losing your virginity to them).  Are you going to need to be the one on top or are you going to need him to do the quick and you’re done?  What kind of foreplay will you need?  This is always a weird discussion, but trust me when I say that it will make a world of difference later on when you’re in bed and gettin’ busy.

Oh, and lower your expectations.

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