Posts tagged review

Floopy Investigates a Fistful of Condoms

September 25, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Today I will be road-testing five different packets of condoms from a variety of manufacturers. Please remember that I cannot guarantee the availability of all condom varieties or brands where you are, and that what works for Mr Science and myself may not be suitable for you.

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates Plugs, Surfboards & Plungers

September 11, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Okay, this is me pulling an article out of my arse at the last minute, because the new expansion pack for TS2 is damn distracting & I’m a rabbit on crack. Or something. So instead of something intellectual & stimulating, I’m going to discuss the different styles of menstrual aid. Yes guys, this is your cue to leave.

Ah, menstruation, the joy of blossoming womanhood, right up to the minute you realise this means a gushing red torrent once every 28 or so days, more or less frequently depending on general health, genetics & luck.

First off to bat are tampons. I’ve heard them called mice, plugs & bungs. They are more or less some absorbent spongy matter rolled into a tube & shoved up your not-quite-so-happy-right-now place. With any luck, there are strings attached. In favour of tampons is convenience, because you can go swimming & horse-riding & play beach volleyball in tight white pants while using one – at least until you have a mega-clot slide over it & into your underpants, leaving you full of shock & dismay that you’d somehow picked up a leech at the beach, and it latched on there of all places! Best to back it up if you tend towards clotty or unexpectedly heavy flows.

Tampons carry a risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome if used incorrectly, which is to say if you don’t carry a bottle of hospital-grade antibacterial wash in your handbag and use it immediately before inserting the tampon, you increase the risk of microbial growth on & around the tampon. This risk increases over time so the recommendation is that you use the lowest absorbency tampon possible for your flow, and that you remove & replace it every three to four hours, eight at the outermost. After seeing how quickly microbial life grows in a warm, moist, food-rich, closed environment, I would err on the side of caution & stick to a three hour change-over. What you do, though, is your own damn business.

Now we move on to sanitary napkins, aka pads, surfboards, wedges, rags, wodges. Call them what you like, they are a long, thin bundle of absorbent material covered in a permeable membrane. Women have been using a variant on the concept for anywhere between decades, centuries, or millennia, depending on which historian you believe. There’s a good reason for it. It’s fairly no-nonsense, and something you can cobble together in a hurry to stop the red tide from being immediately visible to the public. At least until it moves, fills up, or ties itself into a knot. But the principle is sound & anyone with even a micrometre of resourcefulness would be able to throw together a makeshift pad in less time than it takes to say ‘oh shit, I wasn’t expecting that today!’.

Interestingly, sanitary napkins as a commercial product came about when some clever boffin realised that wound dressings make a very good menstrual barrier. Go them!

One of the bummer things about pads and, to a lesser extent, tampons, is the gods awful smell of menstrual blood being broken down by bacteria having a bloody good feed, if you’ll excuse the pun. This is one problem not experienced when using the third type of menstrual aid – the cup.

Plungers, cups, call them what you will, they are a vessel inserted into the vaginal entrance that allows blood to collect & be disposed of at a later stage. Because the blood is fresh at the time of disposal, the smell is far less pungent than that given off from a freshly disposed tampon or pad. I would hesitate to say pleasant, but I would definitely say a pleasant change from the “rotten meat” smell I’m used to with pads and tampons. The downside of the cup is that it does need to fit well to work correctly.

For ease of use and availability, sanitary napkins are a clear winner. For practicality and lack of intrusion into your daily life, the menstrual cup is miles ahead. All three types of menstrual aid have issues with application, and all three will leave you with blood on your hands at one stage or another. In the end, it’s all down to personal preference.

Floopyboo

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