Stimulating Conversations

Just when I was starting to run dry on ideas, which has nothing at all to do with the latest Sims2 expansion pack coming out, a reader wrote in with a couple of nice, handy topics for me to tackle. Best of all, they are topics I am very opinionated about.

“How common is it for men to have a delayed orgasm? My boyfriend, who didn’t know about this problem for a long time since he was a virgin till he was in his mid-20s, said he went to a specialist during his first relationship and was told that it was due to atypical masturbation. Each time we get closer and closer, but it’s kind of frustrating that doing everything he gets genuine pleasure from still hasn’t gotten him to an actual orgasm. Is the process of retraining the mind and body to respond to different sexual stimuli really that difficult? The process is of course fun, but I want to have children with this man eventually, and we’ll need to solve the problem by then!”

It may be that your boyfriend has IMO, or Inhibited Male Orgasm – a disorder often attributed to psychosomatic problems such as performance anxiety or masturbation. I find that this implies that there is something wrong with a male that cannot physically ejeculate from coitus, and would find a similar attitude towards women with the same problem both arrogant & misleading. I would suggest that perhaps an attitude towards sex as a reward unto itself rather than a means to an end (as a fun activity rather than a way to get off) is healthier, happier & more likely result in an orgasm from both of you. If not, he may just be physically incapable of ejeculating from coitus. If he is, then you both need to get over it & move on. Despite all the hooplah, orgasm is not the be-all & end-all of everything.

Delayed orgasms and swift orgasms are actually very common. They have an awful social stigma, and I really wish they didn’t. Guys need to know that women experience the exact same thing, although we tend to have a much healthier response to it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and once you get over the embarassment, you’ll find that it tends to even out a bit more towards what you probably think is normal.

Now, let me address the issue of kids. I assume you’ve spoken to this guy & have his full & willing consent on the kids issue, since you bring it up. This is a discussion you need to have with your partner, around the time when it starts getting serious. If you’re thinking of having his babies, he should at least be party to the decision.

Secondly, there are some pretty nifty advances in technology these days that allow couples who otherwise are unable to have kids to have them. Turkey baster + baby batter is the time-honoured preference of same sex couples. The IVF program has come forward in leaps & bounds since it’s inception in 1973. Then of course there is the very respectable & humanitarian option of fostering or adopting. The boyfriend’s inability to ejeculate during coitus is hardly preventing you from having children, should you both agree to have any.

“My second question: How common is it for intercourse to fail a lot of times before a couple is finally successful? My boyfriend thought that I was impenetrable or that I’d closed up because I was a virgin until my late 20’s and never did anything sexual until I met him (I’m only his second sexual partner).

I thought I had a more serious problem like vaginismus, but I was told by two doctors that I just had a really thick hymen that took a long time to break. I already knew that most first times aren’t what they’re made out to be in the movies and romance novels, but I never expected so many failed attempts before success either. What would your advice be for other couples in this frustrating predicament, besides doing things like outercourse or other forms of sex in the meantime? (Dealing with this situation made me so glad I changed my mind about wanting to be a wedding-night virgin; the wedding night would have been a disaster!)”

Okay, what any randy 15 year old knows but will never, ever admit to is that good sex takes practice. If you had never picked up a paintbrush before, you would hardly expect to be an expert with it, and sex isn’t any different. Like any skill, it takes a lot of practice to get it right.

My recommendation for anyone who is starting to get curious about the world of sex is to google online for suitable sex toys, find an online store that delivers in plain packaging, rent a post office box, and buy something that makes you horny just by looking at it. Chances are that’s the one for you. If you have the werewithal, buy a variety, after all, variety is the spice of life. And don’t forget to pick up some lube while you’re at it.

This is where the practice part comes in. You want something to get rid of that pesky hymen, sure, but you also want to start getting into shape for sex, which is a pretty heavy workout. Sex toys also give you an idea of what your body is capable of & what to expect from your body, so there are less nasty surprises for you when it comes to moving from a solitary activity to a group activity. This goes for both guys and girls, well, besides the hymen bit. Guys, practice your squats & push-ups now, because the one common gripe I hear from guys all the time is that their chests, arms & legs hurt after sex.

Think of masturbating and using sex toys as going to the gym. You’re using them to work out & tone the muscles you would use for sex. With them, you will prepare your body for sex, hopefully long before you get around to the actual deed.

And trust me when I say that the only people who prefer inexperience to experience are creepy & not worth your time.

Floopyboo