Posts tagged sex

Floopy Investigates Upgrading on a Budget

October 9, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s that time again, when ol’ faithful has finally given up the ghost, and there is no more joy to be had from the thing before it joins the big vagina in the sky, or wherever sex toys believe they go. It sure as hell isn’t silicone heaven. You reach for your wallet & moths fly out. What to do?

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

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The Male Perspective on Sex Shops

September 24, 2008 · Filed under Filler, Hump Day · Tagged , , ,

Good evening, captive audience…eh, with an opening like that, I should have subbed the “Alternate Lifestyle” column, but here goes:

Sex and all its trappings are often likened to eating – some people go to extraordinary lengths for the finest ingredients, the freshest produce, the best utensils…and some of us simply shrug, and head to the Golden Arches. So, let’s have a look about, and see what’s on offer?

Guys are simple – no, seriously, we are. We’re vending machines of sexual response through the pressures of social and biological evolution. (And if you have an issue with “evolution” – why are you reading this electronic filth, you’re putting your immortal soul in deadly peril!) …But the pressures of these are not this week’s topic, so we’ll move right along.

Due to a variety of laws put in place to prevent the corruption of morals, shopping for sexual items isn’t as easy as buying fresh tomatoes, although it helps if you’re shopping next to the farm it’s grown on. As with all things, I’ll be covering, briefly, the Whos, the Whats, the Wheres and the Hows. The Why is up to you, dear reader.

WHO – yourself, your significant other, your friends…We’re adults people, act like it, work out what you’re after and walk in. If you’re uncomfortable with the place, put down whatever’s in your hand and leave – it’s not going to brand a Scarlet letter on you and as with all things in life, if you’re happier about doing something, chances are, you’ll do it better.

WHAT – Sadly, most physical sex shops were established to suit the skin trade, that is flesh mags, videos and toys of various and dubious effectiveness. Only lately has the penny dropped and the proprietors worked out that people might want to spend more money somewhere that’s bright, well lit, clean and stocked with a good assortment of interesting things you can splurge on. Sadly, people still think a sex-shop should have lots of pink, purple or black somewhere, usually in the interior as the paint scheme.

WHEN: Whenever you feel like it – at night and in the middle of the day are usually the less-crowded times, unless you enjoy looking for erotic items in a souk or bazaar? Note: Friday and Saturday nights are not a good time to do quiet shopping – drunk, horny and lonely are not useful in finding that perfect vibe.

WHERE: – Layout is important – a woman-friendly setup will resemble a department store with a wide entrance, shopping trolleys and spacious isles. A guy-centric one will have 2 ways in, the rear entrance closest to the “jerk and go” video booths, high and narrow shelving and a faint smell of cigarettes, disinfectant and disappointment. It’s rare to find adequate parking at any sex shop. If you have an assortment to choose from, do a drive-by first and get the feel of the area. If someone comes up to you wanting to sell you crack, might be time to move along. If someone comes up wanting to buy crack from you, time to update your wardrobe.

How: Ah…with the age of online retail, the possibility of having your purchase shipped to your door is a powerful enticement to whip out the plastic and start browsing like mad. Before hitting that “My Cart” button, think on a few things, like, “hey, maybe I should check out the Manufacturer’s web site first”. Shops, even on-line ones, have overheads that must be paid for by increasing the cost price of units. Nowadays, it’s a rare manufacturer that hasn’t at least got a credit-card payment option somewhere on their site. The usual rules of careful internet purchase apply, make sure that your new purchase can be shipped to you legally and wait 2-6 weeks for the delivery. Movies and images – but who pays for those now – can be bought and downloaded online with a minimum of fuss and usually marked on the payment slip as ” Entertainment”, rather than DVD TITLE “Soaking Wet Shepherds, Vol 2, the Sheepening”.

If in a bricks-and-mortar establishment, simply whip out your payment-method of choice to the bored cashier. (After 2 weeks on the job, they’re jaded)

People shop for anything for their own reasons – sex toys, devices, magazines, inflatable animals, masturbatory aids, condoms, dams and lubricants aside, we’re all adults and should know how to shop responsively. So take a breath, get you shopping cart out and avoid the cleanup in isle 5 when you next venture forward. Excelsior!

By nature, I’m an airy-fairy woolly-headed thinker. By training, I’m logical, analytical and well versed in a variety of disciplines – there’s that alt-life thing again. Just call me “Mr Science” if you must.

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Floopy Investigates the Sprunging of Spring

September 18, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Take a whiff. Doesn’t your lover smell better than usual?

It’s spring in the southern hemisphere, and the air is thick with pheromones. Everyone & everything is horny. The birds are bopping & the bees are buzzing. Everywhere in nature organic life is coming into it’s horny own. Even the plants are in on the act with their bright, fragrant displays, and those saucy buggers indulge in bestiality by getting the insects involved in their sex acts. Ever gotten pollen on your clothes? Congratulations, you’ve been covered in plant semen.

There is good evolutionary reason for spring to be the time when life has it’s orgy. Spring is warmer than winter and cooler than summer, making the chances of survival of young greater than at other times of the year. Whether tender shoot or squalling brat, newborn anything is vulnerable and needs all the help it can get if it’s going to survive. By increasing the likelihood of food being available, and providing better environmental conditions for the young, organisms increase the chances of the survival of their species. So basically, sex in spring makes good evolutionary sense.

There’s something about spring that drives us wild. Just remember to grab a condom in your rush.

Floopyboo

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i’m a loser baby

September 15, 2008 · Filed under Cyn's Sins · Tagged , ,

Ok so I don’t have anything to talk about this week, cause I’ve been uber busy with work and school and right now I’m so sick of sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex, avoiding sex that the thought of writing about sex just makes me want to put a “out of business” sign on my vagina.  I guess I could talk about why I feel this way, but I’m sick of talking about that too. Cause over the last week it’s all I’ve talked about with everybody.  So you know what? Fuck sex. Yes, I said it, fuck sex. It’s like fighting fire with fire, I know, but I don’t care.  So people, I challenge all of you to just fuck the fuck outta sex this week.

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A Very Special Crosspost

September 10, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts, Man to man · Tagged , , , ,

You may have noticed there was no Girly Parts yesterday.  This is Girly Parts.  It’s also Man to Man.  WDM is out of town today on business, so I decided to do the lazy thing and do a crosspost to both categories.  Anyway, today I’ve decided to talk about something that doesn’t get nearly enough press in the sexual health realm:  Unequal Libidos.

No, hear me out.  Every bad stand up comedian has a routine about how women never want sex.  It’s partially based in fact, testosterone is the hormone primarily responsible for your sex drive and men have a lot more of it.  It’s also more socially acceptable for men to want sex and for women to withold it.  But what happens when the opposite is true and a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man who has a lower libido than her?

Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t an uncommon situation.  I’ve spoken to several people who found themselves with exactly this problem.  The shitty thing is that the problem isn’t with the partners, actually.  It’s with the way society perceives human sexuality.  Humans have many different levels of sexual desire regardless of gender but society forces a stereotype of the perpetually horny man and the frigid wife which can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not addressed.

Here’s how a situation like this usually plays out:

  • Woman attempts to initiate sex.
  • Man either attempts it and fails or flat out refuses.
  • Woman feels rejected and unattractive and pulls away.
  • Man feels inadequate.
  • Woman with wounded ego doesn’t want to initiate sex as much.
  • Man becomes afraid of failure and doesn’t initiate sex.
  • Both parties become hurt and pull away from each other.

You can see where this is not an effective strategy for long-term happiness, no?

I’ve spoken to a man whose lady-love has a higher libido than him.  They’ve both decided to accept that she’s just going to masturbate several times a day and they’ve decided that works for them.

It’s true confession time:

I’m in a similar situation myself.  My libido is slightly higher than my fiance’s.  They’re fairly equal in that usually we both can be talked into The Mood when the other one is ready, but unfortunately he never initiates sex because my libido is higher than his so usually it’s me doing the initiating.  See, unfortunately we live on different continents so the first time we managed to get together for sexin’s, this became a bit of an issue since we were living together for a month at the time.  Did it lead to hurt feelings?  Hell yeah.  Did I swear off initiating sex?  Yep, but unfortunately my libido is so high I couldn’t resist him.  That says a lot about me, I know, but we’re getting to the point here.

I’d love to sit here and be all, “as soon as I told him how I felt we had mind blowing sex and everything was SUPER COOL!” but I’d be lying to you and that’s not really the point of this blog, now is it?  I told him how I felt while crying and generally being a drama queen and we didn’t have sex a couple times and eventually we got used to each other.  Do I wish we had more sex?  Not really.  Like I said, we’re pretty evenly matched except in the initiation department.  It’s funny, but one of the things that really helped me was switching to ugly pajamas.  It makes no sense, right?  But the thing is, when I was wearing pretty silky satiny things, I had in my head that holy shit I was HOT! So if he didn’t attempt to initiate anything I’d have to do it just to sooth my aching ego.  So now?  I wear yoga pants and a free t-shirt I got free from the Xbox pavillion at Warped Tour this year or I’ll wear a pair of froggy pajama pants my step-grandma made for me and a t-shirt I swiped from my step-brother.  It doesn’t get me thinking about sex, so I’m more comfortable if we don’t have it or if he doesn’t initiate, because I’m not making an effort.  He feels less pressure to perform, because I’m not needily crawling on top of him at 3 in the morning desperately.

I’m not suggesting you intentionally ugly yourself up, but I’d be remiss not to mention what helped me accept the situation.

Look, the important thing to remember is that if you’re unhappy, your partner probably is too.  Fellas, if you find yourself turning your girlfriend down more than you initiate sex, maybe you should try “being there for her” and track down one of our lovely tutorials on the female orgasm to get started.  Ladies, if you feel rejected by being turned down for sex, maybe try being there for yourself sometimes.

But long term, you do have to talk about this.  It’s not something that’s just going to magically fix itself down the line and the longer you let it go, the worse it’s going to get.  Just whatever else you may think, know that you’re not alone here.

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Project Phallus – session 04 “ a Very Special Episode” or “my Drug of Choice”

September 7, 2008 · Filed under Project Phallus · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

401- I Digress

Obviously, I haven’t been writing as many columns as there have been weeks since I started. There is a very simple reason for that.  It is very difficult to write a column about sex without actually HAVING any sex.  In fact, having to sit down and write about sex is about the last thing I want to do when the only thing on my mind is how badly I need it.
So in stead of just giving up writing the column for a while, like a sane person would do, Moxie, Cyn, and Floopy unanimously declared that I should write a piece about it.
What the hizzy?
All I’d be doing is whining and bitching, but, I guess majority rules. Besides it makes a nice counter to last weeks’ ‘Cyn’s Sins’

402- Build Up

So, to avoid all the bitching, I need to make it relevant, which requires explanation. Also introversion and self analysis. Luckily these are my strong point these days.

I’m a guy (shock!)
stereotypically a guy is never not in the mood. And while the stereotype is most definitely bosh as many of my female friends have been dismayed to discover, such is not the case for me. In a previous column I’ve mentioned that I masturbate quite a bit. Lets say a rough average of 6 orgasms a day. It fluctuates quite a bit, and I often don’t actually proceed all the way to orgasm, but it’s pretty apparent from that that I don’t have much in the way of a recuperation time. I think my record is 4 orgasms in an hour.

So, yes, drop your pants and biologically I’m ready to go, (possibly even halfway there already)

403- Mind Games

But, if it was just a matter of orgasm, then why is a willing female even necessary? Let alone having to go through all the hassle of getting into her pants and between her legs (or etceteras)

The very definition of intercourse is the act of connecting with someone. And really, I think that that is sex’s biggest draw. Having sex is like proof that you aren’t isolated and alone in an uncaring ball of spinning dust. At that moment there is at least one person who is intensely interested in your well being, or, in the very worst cases would find t rather inconvenient if you died suddenly and unexpectedly. It is concrete evidence that you matter in those brief minutes or hours, and maybe more importantly, that someone matters to you.

Which brings us to the second biggest draw of sex, Intimacy. It is very difficult to be physically closer to another human being then by placing a part or your body inside a part of theirs. And it is very hard not to crave that closeness when things just  ‘work’ between two people. I mean this primarily in the sense of physical attractiveness, but it can be just as intense when you come across a mental or emotional connection. And if it is a combination of two or all three, well, I hope it works out for you, because it can be an incredible crash if it doesn’t.

There are purely personal, almost child-like, reasons for desiring sex too. All the textures and sensations, (and sights and tastes, and sounds) that can occur, having intercourse can turn into an almost infinite variety of adventures, depending on the scope of your imagination. It can almost be a thing of wonder exploring a person’s contours for the first time, parallel to Christmas morning when you were 8.

And, of coarse, who can forget the narcotic aspect of sex? Orgasms release endorphins, and few chemicals can top those for fighting depression.  So sex reactively becomes a method of relieving tension. Literally all my stress goes into my penis. This could be the curse of being a non-violent, drug-free male. I just want to explode, but the only place I can do that is in my pants.

Here is the best part:

So if I’m having a shitty and stress-drenched time of things and all I want to do is relax and get close to someone, but the option isn’t there, then I’m stuck. Call it a blockage in the river. The tension has no satisfying release, and ironically that causes more tension. And that causes a rather pissy Joe.
On top of this, when facing a deficiency in one of the other areas where sex can be a bandage, the tension get be almost double. In these cases there are all those feelings of loneliness or boredom, that not only don’t get fulfilled, but their lack of fulfillment causes tension in itself, which leads to horniness. Which leads to a really pissy Joe

And that, in short, is why I really really need to get laid more often.

404- Errata

Note that I haven’t mentioned anything about love, I did cover intimacy, which is thematically similar, but love goes beyond all that by many many levels. All I’m doing here is bitching about not getting laid though, The tribulations of Love can go in a different column.

As for the next session, Moxie compromised on me not quitting, and now I’m bimonthly, alternating Sundays, with Cyn’s Sins. Which is nice because it gives us both time to build up material, and, hell, probably tag team topics.

As always, Questions and comments are strongly welcome,

FOR SCIENCE (and mental well being)!

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New Guy

August 31, 2008 · Filed under Cyn's Sins · Tagged , , , ,

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I met this really awesome guy online. We exchanged quite a few e-mails, long ones, like 2 pages long in word. We shared a similar sense of humor. Out of all the guys on the “dating” site I’ve been on he was the only one I really had any interest in meeting. So we met last night, went out to dinner, had a few drinks watched a movie. The conversation was going great and there was an obvious mutual attraction. He is also a vegetarian and doesn’t smoke cigs which is a major deal breaker for me, the cigs, not the vegetarianism. So towards the end of the night he starts making the moves. I can’t say they were unwelcome. I was definitely attracted to this guy. We start fooling around and things are pretty good, there is a good chemistry, I’m pretty into it. I’m kinda distracted though cause I know my roommate can hear us and that really really bothered me for some reason. I guess I just have a hard time being intimate as it is. I do have to give him props for bringing up condoms, he even had one. I didn’t really want to have sex, but I always feel so trapped in that situation, we’re both turned on and stuff, it’s like…I feel like a tease if I say no.But as soon as we start having “sex” I just feel…..blah. I just want it to be over. Ok, part of it was the condom, condoms just fucking hurt, I know they are a necessary evil and I wouldn’t have sex without one, but they just make sex horrible for me. Part of it was…something else I guess. I don’t know. And afterward, I really just went to get online and start gaming. He wants to cuddle. I’m not a cuddler really, I mean, I can be sometimes, but generally after sex I want nothing to do with the other person. I just start watching tv and he’s all “are you gonna sleep with the tv on?” and I’m like…..no…….and then I realized that he had no intention of leaving. I mean I can kind of understand, it is kinda late and it’s probably a 40 minute drive back to his place, but the whole spending the night thing just feels weird to me. I mean, do I have to cook him breakfast in the morning? Now the happy feeling of meeting somebody I like and get along with is replaced with annoyance and dread of having to deal with him.

So after not being able to sleep most of the night cause he’s a cuddler, and I can’t sleep if somebody is touching me, he wanted morning sex. I was so not in the mood, so I told him I was sore from last night. Which is true. I was just like….omg I can’t believe he’s still here. It’s not that I don’t like him, I do, it’s just that I want him gone so I can think about things. He did leave after breakfast at least.

So, why can’t I just enjoy cuddling with somebody without wondering when the fuck they are going to leave? What is my aversion to sex? Why are guys completely incapable of sensing it.

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Religious Sex

August 14, 2008 · Filed under Hump Day · Tagged , , ,

To those westerners among us, the phrase “religious sex” sounds like an oxymoron.  Western religions tend to demonize sex and sexual activity and turn it into something to feel ashamed of.  I was actually raised Catholic, so imagine my surprise when I converted to Buddhism and then accidently found this page while wandering around the internet.

I picked the best religion a sex columnist could have.  I went from the most strict to the least strict on that site.

It’s a short post this week, because you’re going to want to spend a lot of time pondering your religion when you get back from the earlier mentioned page.

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Project Phallus is Missing – WEEKEND GUEST COLUMNIST!

August 3, 2008 · Filed under Project Phallus · Tagged , , , , , ,

Lately, well I have had no opportunity for sexy. Sad, and tragic it is, but, well these things happen. (more then I like)

SOOOOO I dragged Ruby in to tell her own story.  It is all chock full of meaningfulness and advice for many an internet  or real life situation.

Sit back, enjoy, and hop to god either of us gets laid next week.

* * * *

I was not-so recently in a long-distance, long-term relationship with a pretty significant age difference.  It relied pretty heavily on the internet and telephone for anything relating to sex, which honestly was really hot.  He’d say anything I wanted to get me off; I just needed to have loud orgasms and he’d be happy.  When apart we were infinitely compatible sexually.  But when together…

I’m basically the horniest girl I know.  I’m also somehow one of the kinkiest, in spite of fairly limited experience.  Tie me up, throw me down and tell me exactly what to do and I’m all yours.  So imagine my disappointment, when asking my boyfriend what his favorite part of sex is, hoping for some hot phone sex, I get the response “I guess the closeness”.

WHAT?!  Not even orgasms?  Not getting head or the sensation of thrusting hard into a wet pussy or seeing my awesome O face?

When we were together he wanted to hold me while he was inside of me.  Having the weight on my chest gave me a panic attack.  I put my legs over his shoulders, which he initially resisted until I made it clear that it was the only way sex was going to happen.  After neither of us had orgasms from the sex (long story), he liked to hold me, which is so sweet, but I just wanted to put my pants back on and go to sleep without arms tangled around me.

I’m sure that I’m irony’s bitch.  I’m a girl that loves to fuck and I end up in love with a man that exclusively enjoys making love.  Stereotypes are ridiculous, but why am I begging him to fuck my ass?  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  Shouldn’t me saying “harder” mean something?

I’ll admit, I dealt with this badly.  I gave up on asking for what I wanted in person because asking made me feel guilty because he would never say no, just laugh, or change the subject or indulge me half-heartedly.  I can imagine that I indulged all the cuddling only half-heartedly.  Each time we’d see each other we’d have less and less sex and I would masturbate more and more.  He did like to see my awesome O face after all, just not the most.  It’d be followed with a “wooow” from him, which annoyed me because why wasn’t he causing it?  I’m not going to pretend that my frustration wasn’t a part of why we broke up.  I mean, I didn’t end up tied to his bed even once.

I’m going to end this by giving you all some advice that I probably still wouldn’t follow because I’m a hypocrite: TALK, dammit!  Be clear about what you want.  Tell your partner how much it would turn you on to be fucked against a wall and how you’d like to curl up in bed with him for hours after.  I’m not suggesting that you make him uncomfortable about it, just make it more enticing.  He already wants you, after all.  Rejection after that barely scratches the ego.  If you pull a Ruby and just stop talking, nobody gets laid and nobody gets what they want, plus there’s that pesky risk of breeding bitterness just because you weren’t clear on how important something was to getting you off.

I’d like to make the disclaimer that the rest of the relationship was invaluable to me, and it’s no one’s fault that we were dramatically incompatible.  It happens.

* * *
And I wish her better fuck next time. Talking really does help, especially when you are at a loss for a column

Hahahaha, his is the Cryptkeeper, signing off.

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