Posts tagged sexual satisfaction

Floopy Investigates the Orgasm & how to Fake it

August 28, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I most sincerely apologise for my incredibly misleading title, as this article is about how to fake your body into achieving an orgasm without using anything but the orgasm muscles themselves. The alternative title was going to be “Look Ma, No Hands!” but a) It doesn’t really work with “Floopy Investigates” and b) that’s really fucking creepy anyway. At least it is if you have my mother.

Last week I talked about the muscles you use to fuck, so with any luck you’ve had a week to practice isolating individual muscles. That practice is really going to come in handy.

Back in the early 90s, there was much joy & hooplah about how exercising your pelvic floor can do wonders for the tone of your vagina. Well, I was a little bit of a kegel addict, so I found out by accident that if you do enough of them, or do them fast enough, they trigger anything from a mild, pleasant tingle up to a mind-blowing orgasm – without using your hands.

Enough can be somewhere between 50 & 200 clenches, less if you cum at the drop of a hat. Fast enough…. well, once you’re at the stage where more than 50 in a row is a breeze, you will find that you can pick up the pace somewhat.

The problem with kegel exercises is that they can be so poorly described that you may end up isolating the transverse abdominus by mistake. If you do, just remember how you did it, because it’s a good idea to isolate and tone those muscles too. Kegel exercises feel like you’ve taken a vaginal orgasm & slowed it down by about 200%.

To do a kegel exercise, try to make all the walls inside your vagina touch each other. Draw it in nice & tight, and hold that for as long as you can. Now, slowly release the muscles as smoothly as you can. Start by doing five in a row, and then take a break for as long as it took you to do those five, and then do them again. Depending on your level of fitness, it may take you anywhere from a few days to a few months to get up to 20, and the idea is to relax & enjoy yourself. If you feel like you’re going to cum, go with it, that’s the point.

If you are having trouble drawing in & out, put something clean & well-lubed into your vagina. This can be your finger(s), your favourite dildo, or your current bed-partner. Actually, if you swing that way, get the boyfriend, because he will love you for this, and you’ll get some all important feedback. If you are using a prosthesis or your fingers, follow the directions above.

If you are going with the boyfriend option, here’s what you do. First up, get the boy all pointy, wearing of condom & lubed up. Then tell him to lie flat on his back, and tell him he is not allowed to move at all. Now, slide on top of him, and once you are comfortable, draw your vaginal muscles in so they are gripping his penis as firmly as you can, then slowly release the muscles. Ask him to tell you what it feels like. Most likely he will say that it feels like you’re giving him head with your vagina, or that it feels kind of fluttery. That’s fine & it means you’re doing well. Keep practicing until you can stand the madness no longer.

After a few months, you should be at a point where you are physically capable of the level of repetition or speed required to get you off. Go at it. Keep practicing. If it doesn’t get you off, it should at least have taught you some fun new tricks in the bedroom & have increased your stamina.

Floopyboo

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Love Your Vulva

August 19, 2008 · Filed under Girly Parts · Tagged , , , , , , , ,

What does your vulva look like?

No, seriously.  Take a minute and think about this.  What does your vulva look like?  Are your labia long or short?  Fat or thin?  What does your clitoral hood look like?  Is it wrinkly or smooth?  How large and long is your clit?  Is everything symmetrical?

My labia is kind of weird looking to my eye.  They’re not too long, but the look of them when hairless seems comical so no matter what, I always leave pubic hair covering them from the front.  My inner labia are asymmetrical with the right side hanging down past my outer labia with the left side staying snuggly inside.  My clit remains totally covered no matter what and when unaroused the hood hangs loosely on it.  I have a little scar along the edge of my labia minora where my ex accidently got his watch caught on it and it caused an infection which, when popped, left a small dented scar.  On either side of my clit are some puffy places that have been caused by my chronic masturbation.  Asthetically, my vulva leaves a lot to be desired.

If I were to consult a plastic surgeon, he’d probably suggest fat injections to my labia majora, he’d trim the right side of my labia minora to even things up, and maybe even tighten up some of the excess skin of my clitoral hood.  I’d also get the obligatory tightening procedure.  And I’d be a fool for doing it.

Vulvas look different.  There, I said it.  Every vulva is as unique as its owner.  You probably don’t look like your best friend at all facially, you probably have different body types, and it only goes to figure that your lady parts won’t be identical either.  Trying to say that a certain “look” is some how better than any other is about as effective as attempting to herd cats.

The idea of an “attractive” vulva is a result of the mainstreaming of pornography in our culture.  You see a porno, you see a vulva in that porno, you compare your vulva to that one, realize that they don’t match, then decide yours must be defective in some way because that one wouldn’t be on TV if it weren’t attractive.  Now, that happens thousands of times for decades and suddenly you have a market for a plastic surgery fad.

The thing is, vulvas are just…distinct.  Unless you are actually having a physical problem (your labia are so large they’re frequently getting in the way of every day tasks, for example) there’s no compelling reason to change it.  Remember what we talked about last week about how during sex men mostly think “OMG I’M HAVING SEX!!!!!11  THIS IS AWESOME!!!”?  That applies to your vulva as well.  In fact, studies have shown that when looking at naked women, men focus more on their faces than any other body part while women focus more on penii when viewing naked pictures of men.  The theory behind this is that men have a visible physical marker of whether or not they’re aroused (their penis) while women don’t, so men have to look at their faces to determine if there will be sex happening.  So chances are, you care more about how your bits look than your sexual partner does.  Even if his face is in it.  Yes really.

But WAIT!  I hear you say.  What about vaginal rejuvenation surgery?  Well, what about it?  Doesn’t it provide a greater sense of tightness for women post-childbirth thus making sex BETTER?  No, not really.  Huh?

Well, vaginal rejuvenation is very limited it what it can do.  In general, you’re going to get some tightening at the entrance but very little up the shoot.  Also, think about it, when was the last time you had a mindblowing orgasm from having something shoved up your vagina repeatedly?  And be honest here, because I’m thinking it wasn’t recently.  PLUS if you’re not having children one right on top of the other, your vagina is designed to stretch.  It’s what it does.  It’s what it was designed to do.  It will probably come back.  If you’d like things tighter in general, the only for sure method of getting tighter into your vagina rather than just the entrance is to do your Kegels.  You contract your pelvic floor muscles a whole lot and eventually the muscles get stronger and you feel tighter, plus you’ll be able to break the head off a chicken with your bad-ass vagina (not really, please don’t try that ever).

Quite frankly, unless you’re the victim of a rape from a fundamentalist religion where virginity is mandatory and you’ll be an outcast if you don’t have a hymen on your wedding night, there is VERY little reason to let a strange man down there with some sutures because there’s not a whole lot else he can do for your sex life.

Why should you listen to me?  Well, unlike Dr. Beverly Hills, I don’t have a Beemer to make payments on so I have absolutely nothing to gain from lying to you and making you feel bad.

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