Posts tagged sexy science

Floopy Investigates Upgrading on a Budget

October 9, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s that time again, when ol’ faithful has finally given up the ghost, and there is no more joy to be had from the thing before it joins the big vagina in the sky, or wherever sex toys believe they go. It sure as hell isn’t silicone heaven. You reach for your wallet & moths fly out. What to do?

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

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Floopy Investigates a Fistful of Condoms

September 25, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Today I will be road-testing five different packets of condoms from a variety of manufacturers. Please remember that I cannot guarantee the availability of all condom varieties or brands where you are, and that what works for Mr Science and myself may not be suitable for you.

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Sprunging of Spring

September 18, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Take a whiff. Doesn’t your lover smell better than usual?

It’s spring in the southern hemisphere, and the air is thick with pheromones. Everyone & everything is horny. The birds are bopping & the bees are buzzing. Everywhere in nature organic life is coming into it’s horny own. Even the plants are in on the act with their bright, fragrant displays, and those saucy buggers indulge in bestiality by getting the insects involved in their sex acts. Ever gotten pollen on your clothes? Congratulations, you’ve been covered in plant semen.

There is good evolutionary reason for spring to be the time when life has it’s orgy. Spring is warmer than winter and cooler than summer, making the chances of survival of young greater than at other times of the year. Whether tender shoot or squalling brat, newborn anything is vulnerable and needs all the help it can get if it’s going to survive. By increasing the likelihood of food being available, and providing better environmental conditions for the young, organisms increase the chances of the survival of their species. So basically, sex in spring makes good evolutionary sense.

There’s something about spring that drives us wild. Just remember to grab a condom in your rush.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates Plugs, Surfboards & Plungers

September 11, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Okay, this is me pulling an article out of my arse at the last minute, because the new expansion pack for TS2 is damn distracting & I’m a rabbit on crack. Or something. So instead of something intellectual & stimulating, I’m going to discuss the different styles of menstrual aid. Yes guys, this is your cue to leave.

Ah, menstruation, the joy of blossoming womanhood, right up to the minute you realise this means a gushing red torrent once every 28 or so days, more or less frequently depending on general health, genetics & luck.

First off to bat are tampons. I’ve heard them called mice, plugs & bungs. They are more or less some absorbent spongy matter rolled into a tube & shoved up your not-quite-so-happy-right-now place. With any luck, there are strings attached. In favour of tampons is convenience, because you can go swimming & horse-riding & play beach volleyball in tight white pants while using one – at least until you have a mega-clot slide over it & into your underpants, leaving you full of shock & dismay that you’d somehow picked up a leech at the beach, and it latched on there of all places! Best to back it up if you tend towards clotty or unexpectedly heavy flows.

Tampons carry a risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome if used incorrectly, which is to say if you don’t carry a bottle of hospital-grade antibacterial wash in your handbag and use it immediately before inserting the tampon, you increase the risk of microbial growth on & around the tampon. This risk increases over time so the recommendation is that you use the lowest absorbency tampon possible for your flow, and that you remove & replace it every three to four hours, eight at the outermost. After seeing how quickly microbial life grows in a warm, moist, food-rich, closed environment, I would err on the side of caution & stick to a three hour change-over. What you do, though, is your own damn business.

Now we move on to sanitary napkins, aka pads, surfboards, wedges, rags, wodges. Call them what you like, they are a long, thin bundle of absorbent material covered in a permeable membrane. Women have been using a variant on the concept for anywhere between decades, centuries, or millennia, depending on which historian you believe. There’s a good reason for it. It’s fairly no-nonsense, and something you can cobble together in a hurry to stop the red tide from being immediately visible to the public. At least until it moves, fills up, or ties itself into a knot. But the principle is sound & anyone with even a micrometre of resourcefulness would be able to throw together a makeshift pad in less time than it takes to say ‘oh shit, I wasn’t expecting that today!’.

Interestingly, sanitary napkins as a commercial product came about when some clever boffin realised that wound dressings make a very good menstrual barrier. Go them!

One of the bummer things about pads and, to a lesser extent, tampons, is the gods awful smell of menstrual blood being broken down by bacteria having a bloody good feed, if you’ll excuse the pun. This is one problem not experienced when using the third type of menstrual aid – the cup.

Plungers, cups, call them what you will, they are a vessel inserted into the vaginal entrance that allows blood to collect & be disposed of at a later stage. Because the blood is fresh at the time of disposal, the smell is far less pungent than that given off from a freshly disposed tampon or pad. I would hesitate to say pleasant, but I would definitely say a pleasant change from the “rotten meat” smell I’m used to with pads and tampons. The downside of the cup is that it does need to fit well to work correctly.

For ease of use and availability, sanitary napkins are a clear winner. For practicality and lack of intrusion into your daily life, the menstrual cup is miles ahead. All three types of menstrual aid have issues with application, and all three will leave you with blood on your hands at one stage or another. In the end, it’s all down to personal preference.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates Frustrating Delays

September 4, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just when I was starting to run dry on ideas, which has nothing at all to do with the latest Sims2 expansion pack coming out, a reader wrote in with a couple of nice, handy topics for me to tackle. Best of all, they are topics I am very opinionated about.

“How common is it for men to have a delayed orgasm? My boyfriend, who didn’t know about this problem for a long time since he was a virgin till he was in his mid-20s, said he went to a specialist during his first relationship and was told that it was due to atypical masturbation. Each time we get closer and closer, but it’s kind of frustrating that doing everything he gets genuine pleasure from still hasn’t gotten him to an actual orgasm. Is the process of retraining the mind and body to respond to different sexual stimuli really that difficult? The process is of course fun, but I want to have children with this man eventually, and we’ll need to solve the problem by then!”

It may be that your boyfriend has IMO, or Inhibited Male Orgasm – a disorder often attributed to psychosomatic problems such as performance anxiety or masturbation. I find that this implies that there is something wrong with a male that cannot physically ejeculate from coitus, and would find a similar attitude towards women with the same problem both arrogant & misleading. I would suggest that perhaps an attitude towards sex as a reward unto itself rather than a means to an end (as a fun activity rather than a way to get off) is healthier, happier & more likely result in an orgasm from both of you. If not, he may just be physically incapable of ejeculating from coitus. If he is, then you both need to get over it & move on. Despite all the hooplah, orgasm is not the be-all & end-all of everything.

Delayed orgasms and swift orgasms are actually very common. They have an awful social stigma, and I really wish they didn’t. Guys need to know that women experience the exact same thing, although we tend to have a much healthier response to it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and once you get over the embarassment, you’ll find that it tends to even out a bit more towards what you probably think is normal.

Now, let me address the issue of kids. I assume you’ve spoken to this guy & have his full & willing consent on the kids issue, since you bring it up. This is a discussion you need to have with your partner, around the time when it starts getting serious. If you’re thinking of having his babies, he should at least be party to the decision.

Secondly, there are some pretty nifty advances in technology these days that allow couples who otherwise are unable to have kids to have them. Turkey baster + baby batter is the time-honoured preference of same sex couples. The IVF program has come forward in leaps & bounds since it’s inception in 1973. Then of course there is the very respectable & humanitarian option of fostering or adopting. The boyfriend’s inability to ejeculate during coitus is hardly preventing you from having children, should you both agree to have any.

“My second question: How common is it for intercourse to fail a lot of times before a couple is finally successful? My boyfriend thought that I was impenetrable or that I’d closed up because I was a virgin until my late 20’s and never did anything sexual until I met him (I’m only his second sexual partner).

I thought I had a more serious problem like vaginismus, but I was told by two doctors that I just had a really thick hymen that took a long time to break. I already knew that most first times aren’t what they’re made out to be in the movies and romance novels, but I never expected so many failed attempts before success either. What would your advice be for other couples in this frustrating predicament, besides doing things like outercourse or other forms of sex in the meantime? (Dealing with this situation made me so glad I changed my mind about wanting to be a wedding-night virgin; the wedding night would have been a disaster!)”

Okay, what any randy 15 year old knows but will never, ever admit to is that good sex takes practice. If you had never picked up a paintbrush before, you would hardly expect to be an expert with it, and sex isn’t any different. Like any skill, it takes a lot of practice to get it right.

My recommendation for anyone who is starting to get curious about the world of sex is to google online for suitable sex toys, find an online store that delivers in plain packaging, rent a post office box, and buy something that makes you horny just by looking at it. Chances are that’s the one for you. If you have the werewithal, buy a variety, after all, variety is the spice of life. And don’t forget to pick up some lube while you’re at it.

This is where the practice part comes in. You want something to get rid of that pesky hymen, sure, but you also want to start getting into shape for sex, which is a pretty heavy workout. Sex toys also give you an idea of what your body is capable of & what to expect from your body, so there are less nasty surprises for you when it comes to moving from a solitary activity to a group activity. This goes for both guys and girls, well, besides the hymen bit. Guys, practice your squats & push-ups now, because the one common gripe I hear from guys all the time is that their chests, arms & legs hurt after sex.

Think of masturbating and using sex toys as going to the gym. You’re using them to work out & tone the muscles you would use for sex. With them, you will prepare your body for sex, hopefully long before you get around to the actual deed.

And trust me when I say that the only people who prefer inexperience to experience are creepy & not worth your time.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Orgasm & how to Fake it

August 28, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I most sincerely apologise for my incredibly misleading title, as this article is about how to fake your body into achieving an orgasm without using anything but the orgasm muscles themselves. The alternative title was going to be “Look Ma, No Hands!” but a) It doesn’t really work with “Floopy Investigates” and b) that’s really fucking creepy anyway. At least it is if you have my mother.

Last week I talked about the muscles you use to fuck, so with any luck you’ve had a week to practice isolating individual muscles. That practice is really going to come in handy.

Back in the early 90s, there was much joy & hooplah about how exercising your pelvic floor can do wonders for the tone of your vagina. Well, I was a little bit of a kegel addict, so I found out by accident that if you do enough of them, or do them fast enough, they trigger anything from a mild, pleasant tingle up to a mind-blowing orgasm – without using your hands.

Enough can be somewhere between 50 & 200 clenches, less if you cum at the drop of a hat. Fast enough…. well, once you’re at the stage where more than 50 in a row is a breeze, you will find that you can pick up the pace somewhat.

The problem with kegel exercises is that they can be so poorly described that you may end up isolating the transverse abdominus by mistake. If you do, just remember how you did it, because it’s a good idea to isolate and tone those muscles too. Kegel exercises feel like you’ve taken a vaginal orgasm & slowed it down by about 200%.

To do a kegel exercise, try to make all the walls inside your vagina touch each other. Draw it in nice & tight, and hold that for as long as you can. Now, slowly release the muscles as smoothly as you can. Start by doing five in a row, and then take a break for as long as it took you to do those five, and then do them again. Depending on your level of fitness, it may take you anywhere from a few days to a few months to get up to 20, and the idea is to relax & enjoy yourself. If you feel like you’re going to cum, go with it, that’s the point.

If you are having trouble drawing in & out, put something clean & well-lubed into your vagina. This can be your finger(s), your favourite dildo, or your current bed-partner. Actually, if you swing that way, get the boyfriend, because he will love you for this, and you’ll get some all important feedback. If you are using a prosthesis or your fingers, follow the directions above.

If you are going with the boyfriend option, here’s what you do. First up, get the boy all pointy, wearing of condom & lubed up. Then tell him to lie flat on his back, and tell him he is not allowed to move at all. Now, slide on top of him, and once you are comfortable, draw your vaginal muscles in so they are gripping his penis as firmly as you can, then slowly release the muscles. Ask him to tell you what it feels like. Most likely he will say that it feels like you’re giving him head with your vagina, or that it feels kind of fluttery. That’s fine & it means you’re doing well. Keep practicing until you can stand the madness no longer.

After a few months, you should be at a point where you are physically capable of the level of repetition or speed required to get you off. Go at it. Keep practicing. If it doesn’t get you off, it should at least have taught you some fun new tricks in the bedroom & have increased your stamina.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Muscles That Help You Fuck

August 21, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Your muscles help you fuck, how about that? And it’s a good idea to keep them in peak physical condition for optimum enjoyment of bedroom gymnastics. Body shape is far less important to sex than the health of your muscles, and a curvy person can often have better muscle health than a slender person. It all depends on how you exercise and how you take care of yourself.

Like any exercise, it is a good idea to stretch a little before a marathon sex session. Even a quickie should incorporate warming up your body in some way, particularly in winter. This is part of the reason why it’s a good idea to engage in foreplay. It gets your body warm and ready for some loving. Do some yoga, chase each other around the room with dildos, it doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you get your body warm and ready for sex. It will help prevent the tell-tale “saddle walk” characteristic of the dirty weekend away, and you won’t feel so damn sore afterwards either.

The obvious areas you will want to take care of are hands, feet, thighs and buttocks. They take care of balance, as well as the whole thrusting and grinding business. Less obvious are the core abdominal muscles, which is the layer underneath the stuff you see on the ripped abs you’ve been lusting over. These also take care of balance, but more importantly, they take care of your back, making some of the more advanced tantric positions physically possible.

For a good, healthy, sex-ready body, you need to have strong core abdominal muscles, otherwise known as the transverse abdominus. You can feel these muscles underneath the top layer of fat and muscle if you press down gently in the middle between your navel & your pubic mound. The best way to tell if you’re ripped in the core is to get on all fours and make like you’re a bottom. If you need to pop a few pillows under your belly for support, then you probably need to work on those muscles. Going to a clinical pilates class or a qualified bellydance instructor will help you work on those core muscles in a safe and gentle manner.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates the Joy of Silicone Toys

August 14, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Let me say that I am a big fan of sex toys. And this is important, because I think it makes me something of an authority on them. You must too, or you wouldn’t be here reading this stuff. Either that or you’re here looking for new fap material. Well, read on, there’s plenty of both ahead.

Surgical grade silicone is probably the most marvellous material ever that sex toys could possibly be made out of. It’s durable, pleasant to the touch, smells neutral, and it cleans up a treat.

You have no idea how great it is to know that if Mr Buzzy has been lurking on the carpet for so long he’s covered in dust bunnies & has to be pried off with a crow-bar, that you can just pop him in the dishwasher or into a pot of boiling water, and hey presto, you have a nice, clean vibe. It’s like autoclaving for the DIY lover.

Let me tell you the tale of my first silicone vibe. Actually, it was a matching pair of vibes that I bought on sale – two for the price of one – because the dank Canberra sex shop couldn’t move the stock. I was instantly in love. Those two vibes took all kinds of abuse. Hours of daily use, the aforementioned experiments in carpet-welding (a girl has to bleed sometime!), knocks, bumps, exposure to all kinds of weird chemicals that would normally break a vibe. Last year, some six years after I bought them, they died. Their motors finally crapped out. The silicone is still going strong after six years, so they have merely been delegated to dildo duty. Normally, I expect a vibe to have a bed-life of between three and six months. Not bad for $50 worth of vibes, eh?

All I can say is that even if you aren’t interested in the health aspect of surgical-grade silicone, then the pure economics of the material should steer you right towards it. You can pay up to two and a half times the cost of your average vibe for a silicone vibe that will last longer than the motor in it. You’ll have this baby for at least half a decade if you are hard on it. The average silicone vibe will have paid for itself within two years, and by the time you are on your third glorious year with Ol’ Faithful, you will have saved yourself the cost of at least one more vibe. And you still have that long again to look forward to in the life of your vibe, and that only if you plan on retiring it once the motor has worn out. In the long run you are hurting your wallet not to buy lovely, durable silicone.

Floopyboo

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Floopy Investigates What Lurks Beneath the Lab Coat

August 7, 2008 · Filed under Blinded by SCIENCE! · Tagged , , , , ,

Lab coats make me hot, so it’s probably a good thing that I’m married to a Food Scientist who Understands. Dammit, now my brain has gone to mush. Time to get Mr Science to put on his lab coat & boots & ‘inspire me’.

Well, that was quicker than expected.

Back to the science thing. There is a theory that the science fetish is related to the medical fetish, but personally, medical stuff does nothing for me. It’s kind of meh really. I’ve played doctors & nurses, and I’ve dated both, and the whole medical thing just leaves me feeling kinda blah. But get me in a laboratory & I’m wet to the knees. Maybe I watched too many movies about Frankenstein’s monster as a kid, or perhaps it has more than a little to do with my early exposure to Tim Curry’s Franknfurter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but something inside my loins fires off every time I see a starched white coat. It’s worse if there are gloves involved.

This is the part of the article where I google with safe search off for images to indulge my fetish…. er…. I mean facty-type stuff to write about. But aside from Dexter’s Lab porn and a billion amateur RHPS cast photos, I’m coming up blank. I can’t believe it’s such a rarity to want some mad scientist to experiment on you in the bedroom. The things I do in the name of science! Obviously more research is required.

Hmmm, I should save those cast photos for later.

Well, the internet is turning up nothing. Even Mr Science, he whose googlefu in the realm of porn is legendary, was unable to turn up anything more erotic than an admittedly hot chick in a lab coat eating a tub of yoghurt.

Must save that pic for later too.

The best thing about science is that the search for truth, or a reasonable facsimile of it, is never finished. Go science!

Floopyboo

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