Stimulating Conversations

Good evening, captive audience…eh, with an opening like that, I should have subbed the “Alternate Lifestyle” column, but here goes:

Sex and all its trappings are often likened to eating – some people go to extraordinary lengths for the finest ingredients, the freshest produce, the best utensils…and some of us simply shrug, and head to the Golden Arches. So, let’s have a look about, and see what’s on offer?

Guys are simple – no, seriously, we are. We’re vending machines of sexual response through the pressures of social and biological evolution. (And if you have an issue with “evolution” – why are you reading this electronic filth, you’re putting your immortal soul in deadly peril!) …But the pressures of these are not this week’s topic, so we’ll move right along.

Due to a variety of laws put in place to prevent the corruption of morals, shopping for sexual items isn’t as easy as buying fresh tomatoes, although it helps if you’re shopping next to the farm it’s grown on. As with all things, I’ll be covering, briefly, the Whos, the Whats, the Wheres and the Hows. The Why is up to you, dear reader.

WHO – yourself, your significant other, your friends…We’re adults people, act like it, work out what you’re after and walk in. If you’re uncomfortable with the place, put down whatever’s in your hand and leave – it’s not going to brand a Scarlet letter on you and as with all things in life, if you’re happier about doing something, chances are, you’ll do it better.

WHAT – Sadly, most physical sex shops were established to suit the skin trade, that is flesh mags, videos and toys of various and dubious effectiveness. Only lately has the penny dropped and the proprietors worked out that people might want to spend more money somewhere that’s bright, well lit, clean and stocked with a good assortment of interesting things you can splurge on. Sadly, people still think a sex-shop should have lots of pink, purple or black somewhere, usually in the interior as the paint scheme.

WHEN: Whenever you feel like it – at night and in the middle of the day are usually the less-crowded times, unless you enjoy looking for erotic items in a souk or bazaar? Note: Friday and Saturday nights are not a good time to do quiet shopping – drunk, horny and lonely are not useful in finding that perfect vibe.

WHERE: – Layout is important – a woman-friendly setup will resemble a department store with a wide entrance, shopping trolleys and spacious isles. A guy-centric one will have 2 ways in, the rear entrance closest to the “jerk and go” video booths, high and narrow shelving and a faint smell of cigarettes, disinfectant and disappointment. It’s rare to find adequate parking at any sex shop. If you have an assortment to choose from, do a drive-by first and get the feel of the area. If someone comes up to you wanting to sell you crack, might be time to move along. If someone comes up wanting to buy crack from you, time to update your wardrobe.

How: Ah…with the age of online retail, the possibility of having your purchase shipped to your door is a powerful enticement to whip out the plastic and start browsing like mad. Before hitting that “My Cart” button, think on a few things, like, “hey, maybe I should check out the Manufacturer’s web site first”. Shops, even on-line ones, have overheads that must be paid for by increasing the cost price of units. Nowadays, it’s a rare manufacturer that hasn’t at least got a credit-card payment option somewhere on their site. The usual rules of careful internet purchase apply, make sure that your new purchase can be shipped to you legally and wait 2-6 weeks for the delivery. Movies and images – but who pays for those now – can be bought and downloaded online with a minimum of fuss and usually marked on the payment slip as ” Entertainment”, rather than DVD TITLE “Soaking Wet Shepherds, Vol 2, the Sheepening”.

If in a bricks-and-mortar establishment, simply whip out your payment-method of choice to the bored cashier. (After 2 weeks on the job, they’re jaded)

People shop for anything for their own reasons – sex toys, devices, magazines, inflatable animals, masturbatory aids, condoms, dams and lubricants aside, we’re all adults and should know how to shop responsively. So take a breath, get you shopping cart out and avoid the cleanup in isle 5 when you next venture forward. Excelsior!

By nature, I’m an airy-fairy woolly-headed thinker. By training, I’m logical, analytical and well versed in a variety of disciplines – there’s that alt-life thing again. Just call me “Mr Science” if you must.