Floopy Investigates Upgrading on a Budget

Well, it’s that time again, when ol’ faithful has finally given up the ghost, and there is no more joy to be had from the thing before it joins the big vagina in the sky, or wherever sex toys believe they go. It sure as hell isn’t silicone heaven. You reach for your wallet & moths fly out. What to do?

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

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90210ooohkay then

Ok, so there have been 2 guys I’ve had major interaction with since my last column. BMW boy, who is so named because of his obsession with is car, which is, wait for it, a BMW. He can talk about this thing forever. Even if you’re not listening or giving any indication that you care. He’s a nice enough guy, stable, not bad looking, but he’s also what I call …..insane. He decided before he even met me in person, just online, that he was going to marry me. So instead of just being able to get to know him, like I would somebody else, I had to deal with him not so patiently “waiting” for us to become a happy couple and live happily ever after. Well, this makes me not want to get to know somebody because he’s constantly trying to be what I want and keep me happy, and I can’t respect that. I can’t respect something fake. So it was his birthday last week, I baked him a cake cause I felt kinda bad for him cause he didn’t have anybody to spend his birthday with…and I really love frosting. He came over and we were hanging out. He keeps pushing me to get to know him better because I told him before any sort of relationship could happen I’d have to get to know him. I meant naturally, he thinks I mean let’s tell each other everything possible about ourselves in under 2 hours. He told me basically his life story and when I didn’t reciprocate he got really upset. Drama drama drama. I hate drama. I told him that I can’t just blurt of my life story, I’m just not that way. The important aspects of my life will come out in time in situations that are relevant. He just said that I’m not even trying and he doesn’t know what he can even do anymore to make this work. I felt like I was in a bad episode of 90210. I don’t even really have feelings for him. I don’t know how I can pretend to have feelings for somebody. He got really upset that I wasn’t getting pulled into the drama. So know he’s “mad” at me and not speaking to me. And I’m trying to care. Ok, I’m really not.

The other guy I guess, well, I don’t know what to think about him. He’s a very smart guy, masters in physics or something crazy like that. Intellectually, he’s a great match for me. I love talking to him, I love arguing with him. I love that he can make me think and that he challenges me. He’s also one of the most shallow people I’ve ever met. He spends his time talking about how he wants young skinny perky girls. Which I can understand, but really, I’m none of these things, so I don’t really know why he bothers talking to me. It makes me feel really insecure and the first time we made out, I made up an excuse to leave because I just felt fat. So the other night we hung out again, went to see this really boring play. I just don’t get plays. Anyway, we went back to his place and things got…frisky, we ended up having really bland awkward sex in which he stared at my feet the entire time. Which well, whatever, I was so insecure about how I looked I just didn’t care. I know the biological reasons that guys are obsessed with young girls, but come on, eww. So, yeah I don’t know what’s gonna come of that. Hopefully nothing. We’ve talked since then, and it’s the same as before, but I’m not sure where we are sex wise. Oh well, just another thing to avoid. I guess.

And then there is latin boy, how could I forget about latin boy? I talked to him on the phone for an hour and a half last night. I don’t know why this guy makes me feel so…..well whatever I feel, I’ve never felt it for anybody else before. Ask my roommate, it’s disgusting how I act when I talk about him. Even I’m disgusted by it. Everytime I talk to him I am torn between flying out to meet him and cutting him out of my life completely. I just think the way I feel about him is almost silly, like it’s based on something I hope he is, rather than who he really is. But at the same time, I can’t help feeling the way I do, whether I rationalize it or not. And he’s the only guy that really makes me horny. I’m not one to be horny really, as you’ve probably noticed I wouldn’t mind avoiding sex in general all together. But after talking with I’m so horny I can’t even stand it. Stupid accents. Get me every time. So, there it is, I have no conclusion, just overviews of the male encounters in my life. If I had conclusions or advice, well, I’d probably be doing something about it. But I don’t and so I can’t. The one guy who wants me, I don’t want, the one guy I want, I can’t have and the other guy, well, I just don’t know what to think about him at all.

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Floopy Investigates a Fistful of Condoms

Today I will be road-testing five different packets of condoms from a variety of manufacturers. Please remember that I cannot guarantee the availability of all condom varieties or brands where you are, and that what works for Mr Science and myself may not be suitable for you.

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.


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The Male Perspective on Sex Shops

Good evening, captive audience…eh, with an opening like that, I should have subbed the “Alternate Lifestyle” column, but here goes:

Sex and all its trappings are often likened to eating – some people go to extraordinary lengths for the finest ingredients, the freshest produce, the best utensils…and some of us simply shrug, and head to the Golden Arches. So, let’s have a look about, and see what’s on offer?

Guys are simple – no, seriously, we are. We’re vending machines of sexual response through the pressures of social and biological evolution. (And if you have an issue with “evolution” – why are you reading this electronic filth, you’re putting your immortal soul in deadly peril!) …But the pressures of these are not this week’s topic, so we’ll move right along.

Due to a variety of laws put in place to prevent the corruption of morals, shopping for sexual items isn’t as easy as buying fresh tomatoes, although it helps if you’re shopping next to the farm it’s grown on. As with all things, I’ll be covering, briefly, the Whos, the Whats, the Wheres and the Hows. The Why is up to you, dear reader.

WHO – yourself, your significant other, your friends…We’re adults people, act like it, work out what you’re after and walk in. If you’re uncomfortable with the place, put down whatever’s in your hand and leave – it’s not going to brand a Scarlet letter on you and as with all things in life, if you’re happier about doing something, chances are, you’ll do it better.

WHAT – Sadly, most physical sex shops were established to suit the skin trade, that is flesh mags, videos and toys of various and dubious effectiveness. Only lately has the penny dropped and the proprietors worked out that people might want to spend more money somewhere that’s bright, well lit, clean and stocked with a good assortment of interesting things you can splurge on. Sadly, people still think a sex-shop should have lots of pink, purple or black somewhere, usually in the interior as the paint scheme.

WHEN: Whenever you feel like it – at night and in the middle of the day are usually the less-crowded times, unless you enjoy looking for erotic items in a souk or bazaar? Note: Friday and Saturday nights are not a good time to do quiet shopping – drunk, horny and lonely are not useful in finding that perfect vibe.

WHERE: – Layout is important – a woman-friendly setup will resemble a department store with a wide entrance, shopping trolleys and spacious isles. A guy-centric one will have 2 ways in, the rear entrance closest to the “jerk and go” video booths, high and narrow shelving and a faint smell of cigarettes, disinfectant and disappointment. It’s rare to find adequate parking at any sex shop. If you have an assortment to choose from, do a drive-by first and get the feel of the area. If someone comes up to you wanting to sell you crack, might be time to move along. If someone comes up wanting to buy crack from you, time to update your wardrobe.

How: Ah…with the age of online retail, the possibility of having your purchase shipped to your door is a powerful enticement to whip out the plastic and start browsing like mad. Before hitting that “My Cart” button, think on a few things, like, “hey, maybe I should check out the Manufacturer’s web site first”. Shops, even on-line ones, have overheads that must be paid for by increasing the cost price of units. Nowadays, it’s a rare manufacturer that hasn’t at least got a credit-card payment option somewhere on their site. The usual rules of careful internet purchase apply, make sure that your new purchase can be shipped to you legally and wait 2-6 weeks for the delivery. Movies and images – but who pays for those now – can be bought and downloaded online with a minimum of fuss and usually marked on the payment slip as ” Entertainment”, rather than DVD TITLE “Soaking Wet Shepherds, Vol 2, the Sheepening”.

If in a bricks-and-mortar establishment, simply whip out your payment-method of choice to the bored cashier. (After 2 weeks on the job, they’re jaded)

People shop for anything for their own reasons – sex toys, devices, magazines, inflatable animals, masturbatory aids, condoms, dams and lubricants aside, we’re all adults and should know how to shop responsively. So take a breath, get you shopping cart out and avoid the cleanup in isle 5 when you next venture forward. Excelsior!

By nature, I’m an airy-fairy woolly-headed thinker. By training, I’m logical, analytical and well versed in a variety of disciplines – there’s that alt-life thing again. Just call me “Mr Science” if you must.

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Project Phallus – session 05

501- Running Again

So, as per life, a lot has happened in the last few weeks (which is why writing a biweekly column is world’s easier then a weekly). Among the more relevant things to you readers is that I came across two new research assistants, both of whom are into the BSDM scene.

Oh the possibilities.

502- On the Ropes

Bondage is interesting to me because it is really so alien. Really, everything traditional aspect of the scene goes against my instincts. Restraint just makes me nervous. I am, literally, one of those people who will check the availability of every exit when entering a room. I even found a way to break into my house as a kid in case I got locked out, much to the shock of my dad when I demonstrated to him how when I moved out. So the thought f being willingly tied down…well I am also too damn curious for my own good, so I had to try it at least once.

So there I am, clamped and strapped on to her wall, and we hit our first snag. She just isn’t sure what to do with me. She doesn’t think I’d be very responsive to things like whips, and I’m inclined to agree at least at this stage (all the while fiddling with my wrists, thinking I gave myself enough room to slip out, damn guess not), and nipple claps are just really annoying. I just don’t see the appeal of the constant burn that they give me. I mean I’m all for fluctuating burning sensations (yay for wax!), but just lingering like that? It just makes me want to flick them away.

In the end, she just opts for the tease, and settled down in front of me with her vibrator. This… was rather effective. Though the entire time I could not stop subconsciously fiddling with my wrists and flexing against the rope she had around my chest. And of coarse chattering about the situation and psychology and various other things in an effort not to betray how well she had me ensnared, physically and lustfully. It was all pretty transparent and sad I admit. Which of course only encourages her.

Until finally, the dildo just isn’t acceptable to either of us (not that my opinion mattered at that point). And she decides to just fuck me against the wall. Oh thank god. Unfortunately though, while we are at a good height situation where this usually is pretty successful, something abut the angle and way I was leveraged just made it rather awkward in this case.
Which is good for me because that means I get to throw her on the bed after all.

Vengeance is sweet.

503- Wiping Up

So do I get it now? Yes, in part. I can certainly see the appeal of being taking completely out of control of your life to erase all the stress of having to manage it the rest of your day. But in my situation, where I rarely feel like I am in control of anything, I think I’m better off doing the tying. But then, since it is all so mood dependant I’ll probably feel differently next week.
And there will definitely be a next time, there is so much more to try after all.


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Braving the Bat Cave – A Girly Parts Special

In previous articles I’ve mentioned sex toys. When I fielded a couple of reader questions, I even suggested a way to get hold of some. As Miss Moxie is being inconvenienced by bureaucracy relating to recent bad weather, I am writing a follow-up to that here in Girly Parts where the ‘how can I’ can be addressed without me worrying about deviating too far from the science & tech aspect of the topic.

Since I have already covered the concept of ordering online in previous articles, I will move on to your other two options.

Most of you have heard of lingerie parties, and most likely have either been to one or know someone who has. And why not, they’re great fun. Sure, the mark-ups are horrendous, but you are paying for the privilege of making a day of it. The same thing can be done with many of your local sex stores. A vibe party is a great way to relax with friends & get acquainted with some fun & interesting buzzies without the pressure of the sex store environment.

If the party plan doesn’t suit you, you are probably nerving yourself up to a visit to a sex store. What you are looking for is something brightly lit & roomy with friendly staff who will hang back until you look a bit lost. Wait around in the car park for a good ten minutes before going in & watch both the front & back entrances, particularly the back entrance. That’s the entrance used by skeevy guys who are there for their weekly porn fix. There will be a couple of these guys on any given visit & that’s fine, but it’s time to hightail it for another store if there are more of them than you would feel comfortable shopping around. If one of them approaches you, go for the pepper spray, aiming at the groinal gap in his sweat-stained anorak.

Once inside, take a look around. Are there clearly defined areas, or are there high-end vibes mixed in with the hens’ party kits? Are there display models? Are the staff willing to take the toy out & show you how it works? Do you feel uncomfortable, threatened or squeamish in the shop? What you are looking for is a shop that makes you feel comfortable & welcome, and staff that know their stuff and are willing & able to help a girl out.

In the end you are shopping for a personal item. You wouldn’t buy lingerie from a poorly-lit, skeevy dive with creepy guys lurking in dark corners, and nor should you buy a sex toy in such an environment. You want to be happy & confident, and to leave with a smile on your face.


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Floopy Investigates the Sprunging of Spring

Take a whiff. Doesn’t your lover smell better than usual?

It’s spring in the southern hemisphere, and the air is thick with pheromones. Everyone & everything is horny. The birds are bopping & the bees are buzzing. Everywhere in nature organic life is coming into it’s horny own. Even the plants are in on the act with their bright, fragrant displays, and those saucy buggers indulge in bestiality by getting the insects involved in their sex acts. Ever gotten pollen on your clothes? Congratulations, you’ve been covered in plant semen.

There is good evolutionary reason for spring to be the time when life has it’s orgy. Spring is warmer than winter and cooler than summer, making the chances of survival of young greater than at other times of the year. Whether tender shoot or squalling brat, newborn anything is vulnerable and needs all the help it can get if it’s going to survive. By increasing the likelihood of food being available, and providing better environmental conditions for the young, organisms increase the chances of the survival of their species. So basically, sex in spring makes good evolutionary sense.

There’s something about spring that drives us wild. Just remember to grab a condom in your rush.


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